Day 100

Another daffodil photo!

I woke up and had breakfast at about 8 but then went back to sleep till about 11. I didn't feel brilliantly well still with weird unexplained cramps (I had been bothered by them through the night). Then I caught up on some emails and things, all the while feeling a bit low. I was meant to be going to meet a friend for lunch but I didn't feel like going out. She, however, was the one to postpone it to later this afternoon, so that worked well.

By 12 I really wanted some food but couldn't face going downstairs. After a bit of a battle, I did make it to the kitchen. I made some porridge. It tasted stale. I felt like this just summed up the state of my life. Mess, germs, general lack of cleanliness...

I felt lower and lower (and also pretty bad physically) and was basically going insane when I made the snap decision to do some hoovering. Maybe that would help? It made me feel a bit faint and exhausted.

I think I am feeling more hopeless today than I have been. My focus seems to have changed and I feel like I don't know how can I keep going. This is horrible. I think I often must just ride through the negative feelings without especially thinking about long term implications, because at the moment I can't see how else I don't despair everyday. Unless I have enough good times? I don't really know.

I felt alone. God is always with me though.

Friend postponed again. I was quite pleased not to have to get up even though I did feel rubbish.

I thought about doing some CBT but slept instead. Again.

Then I had to wake myself up at 5 to cycle to Helen's. I think I may have felt marginally brighter for a tiny bit but was made sad thinking about Lucy as I cycled past our old appointment place.

Once at Helen's I had a really fun time for a few hours. Hooray! Then the empty grey feeling came and took hold of me again. Argh.

I left Helen's and decided I needed to buy some sort of sweet thing on the way back, hoping that might sweeten my mood. As I walked round the shop I felt faint, headachy and like I could well throw up. I fear I might be ill.

Now I'm back home and in bed. I don't feel too bad right now. Maybe that's how I generally cope - I think I am often ok when I am ready for bed at night. Or maybe I don't cope? I think I do though as I don't think I feel desperate every day at the moment. I felt very desperate today though. Maybe if I just worked I wouldn't have all the emptiness and lonely feelings... Maybe, maybe, maybe... I think I should ban myself from using that word!

I'm sorry for how poorly written this is.