Day 104

The day didn't start off too well with me deciding to eat an unacceptable amount of chocolate. This was probably the trigger for the self hatred I then felt. I couldn't get comfortable and iplayer was refusing to work. I was tired, a bit stressed and indecisive. But then something strange happened. I decided to do some exercise. And after some guilt and anxiety I was off out and doing day 1 of couch to 5k...

It was hard work but I managed to push myself through. It was back like the old days when I used to push myself through so much. Pain didn't used to get in the way. If I had decided I needed to do an amount of exercise, that amount of exercise would get done. If I decided I needed to work a certain number of hours, whatever happened, that amount of work would get done.

Since being depressed though, this has all stopped. A bit of pain and I will use it as an excuse to give up. I am not driven and any goals I give myself are unlikely to be fulfilled. The other day, Pei said she remembers, even in my second year (before I was 'officially' depressed, but in hindsight, I think I was), she would have to call me to get out of bed. A couple of hours later I would turn up in the library and after an hour I would leave again. Lazy/just depressed/other? I don't know.

It's a bit scary having glimpses of such will power back again though. I feel like if I just tell myself I need to do something, if I want it enough, I can do it. So then I feel guilty for not just pushing myself through everything to work, eat properly, exercise well etc.

I guess it could be partially because of that extreme pressure I put on myself that I got so ill.

Anyway, once back from the exercise (having got caught in the hail - it had been sunny when I left!), I walked to Helen's. I felt a bit sad and was worrying about how well I might be. It came into my head that I should get a job but the idea of interaction with people at work scared me.

Helen's was ok, I felt a bit dull but nothing major. I felt like it might be helped if I ate something with some sugar, but I didn't have anything.

After a few hours, it was time for church. I was hit by lowness about a friend being low.

I was uncomfortably anxious at church. I wondered whether it might have been made worse by hunger (which certainly was the problem after the service).

Once at home, I started to think (perhaps prompted by the sermon - but not necessarily an accurate reflection of the sermon) of how being depressed must just be because I am a sinner, that it is my fault and I shouldn't talk to my GP. Not helpful.

I felt tired, weak and sad, alone. Add in some fear and guilt.

So badly tempted to cut myself. Praise God, I managed to resist.