Day 105

I must have slept for eleven hours! I hurriedly went off to Lizzie's once I had woken up. I was quite subdued, not really feeling too great but not terrible like I could be. I think I was struggling to enjoy anything despite the fact the four people I was with are four of my favourites.

Beka dropped me off in town and I then walked to Tyndale. It was beautifully sunny. I was feeling a bit guilty about something I had said and worrying a bit but some of the walk was ok.

I think the fact I only could give Tyndale half an hour meant it was far easier to cope with and I did some of the quickest spine labelling I have ever done - probably about twice as quick as I was on Friday! This worried me a bit - maybe I could work? But I consoled myself with the fact it was a short task that I could see the end of and that was what made it bearable, ok even. I noted (uncomfortably!) I was feeling fine at times.

I did feel some fear when I thought about tomorrow and how what with this couch to 5k business, maybe I would not be low as I would not be allowing myself to just stay in bed getting miserable. I know that this is so strange to be dreading such a thing but the prospect of it does really scare me. It makes me wonder whether I could really just get up and be fine everyday if I wanted to enough. Like I said yesterday, I think there might be an incredibly driven part of me that can make myself work really hard if I actually put my mind to it. I can see it to varying degrees in my past. I think being depressed has masked it but it is returning. I think I am in that state of mind for this new exercise challenge, but not so much for things like Tyndale. Guilt, fear, worry.

And then it was time to see Beka and Lydia again. I had quite a good time playing with little Lydia (I asked her who her favourite person was and felt slightly bad when she exclaimed it was me! She certainly knows how to please people...!).

Panic! I might be ok.....?! Argh.

As I travelled to Christine's, I became quite sad/worried/guilt-ridden/scared as I thought my fear of getting better probably meant I was just scared of living how God would like me to. I thought I was just really rebellious and an awful person. Everything felt quite hopeless as I felt like God's way was oppressive. Of course the reality is the opposite. And God is good. Heaven will be wonderful, whatever I feel about it now. My feelings go up and down but God is constant.

I guess I was a bit subdued again once at Christine's and struggling to enjoy what I know I would often love. The guilt that I was rejecting God and being terrible was slightly still nagging away at me.

I did a bit of my book. The key things I was looking at were (again) feelings of total worthlessness/badness/failure are not from God. And that God is with me, will sustain me, loves me and cares for me. Amazing! Wish I could feel it. But brilliant that it is true regardless of my feelings.

I got very tired.

I felt trapped as I travelled home. Really scared about tomorrow and how ok I might be. I made a list of things to do and felt like the guilt would make me do them. Then I would be fully functional. So how could I not be told to get a job at this assessment...

I have been bothered by feeling fat too. Argh.