Day 107

I'm feeling harassed. I'm exhausted.

I had agreed to go to a soft play centre with Clare and her children. I hadn't especially wanted to go (in my non-interested state). I hadn't slept especially well (probably did get 8 hours though) which may have not helped. I was just tired and couldn't really be bothered to do anything other than sit there. I had to move around a fair bit though with the toddler or in rocking the baby. I was looking forward to going back home and sleeping.

Then Clare invited me back to hers. I said yes but didn't want to go. This isn't like me - I usually love to get to spend more time with my friends. It might not have helped that I was worried about germs on me. I persuaded myself that it was ok, I was no more germy than the others. I could just have a shower when I got home. I think it also helped when I realised I was closing myself off from Clare and I could actually just be myself.

I felt kind of guilty but nothing new there. I was also fatigued. Even with plenty of food and drink. Useful to remember that. Unless I am just getting ill...I hope not.

I did enjoy chatting to Clare though and I did get a bit more energy for a bit. But then it went again.

I feel as though I am not writing very well. Never mind.

Not especially looking forward to crèche in the morning... Must get an early night tonight. Don't think that will be hard...

Feeling worried that I am being distracted from sadness 'too easily' at the moment. As in, I get sad but very soon seem to be ok again. But maybe that is only the last few days. I don't know. Feel trapped by life though, hopeless. Struggle to believe good news/don't want it to be true inasmuch as feeling that then I can't be sad. I definitely do actually want it to be true. Think best thing for me is to keep busy. But then why not work? Tired/can't handle stress like normal people/unpredictability of emotion/anxiety when busy even if not low/lack of motivation? Argh.