Thoughts

Back to Canton coz it's tomb-sweeping day, and we Chinese have the tradition to pay a visit on this day to our ancestors' tomb. Well, to me, this is a special day and a hard day in the same time. I love my grandpa and this once a year I can go and worship him, but I do hate some of my relatives who are real villains. We have stayed in this situation for several years and I hope there is one day that I would not have to put up with this. Nonetheless, that feels great to sweep the tomb of your love one because you feel like you can talk to him even after he's gone. In this way I believe our bond are still connecting and it's never leaving far away from me.
Later this night I went for a drink with my friends. I got shocked and inspired by some of her experience lately. Deep down inside of my heart I'm actually a little girl with low self confidence but sometimes conceited. I finally realize that I had put too many masks on my face, one by one they had covered my true face. Like some kind of makeup that I could change it for different occasion. I'm so competitive that I'd been always living a hard time, I think that I'm not smart enough so I kept learning and pursuing for higher diploma, I'm not as pretty as they are so I felt inferior, I sometimes even do things just because others will do or not capable of doing it. However after these years of pretending not to be myself I'm still not as smart as others and not as pretty as others. I even forget the true self behind the masks. I'm so desperately wanting someone who could love me to be my true self. All these years I always thought that I couldn't find someone like this. But pretending myself also didn't work. How could you find him if you don't even actually show him who you are? If from the very beginning you know him you are already pretending yourself how can you blame him not love your true face. Do not know what I'm talking about maybe just because I already forgotten who I am. I want to return to be what I should be like to be a silent, shy and bashful girl, but it's never easy, huh?