Just breathe

Today I am gonna write only about me and my experiences from the past few weeks. This isn't something others should or could understand - sometimes you just have to write something to yourself, so that you could process it better. This journal is that kind of journal.

I have been really tired and depressed lately. The joy and energy I found has violently taken from me by my employers. It is really hard to know, that this is something you just have to take. This will go on for a while, and end at some point. But when? The slow and non-aggressiv depression, I have noticed, takes even more energy than the aggressive type on depression. The aggressiveness also gives you energy, no matter how negate is would be. But in the non-aggressiv depression the life-energy is just slowly eaten out of you. This is quite new for me. I don't know how to cope with it.

One night I dreamed about loosing, letting go of something that is really dear to me. In the dream I started crying, and woke up crying. The feeling that I felt was one of the most soothing and liberating that I have felt in a long time: I was so happy that my mind had given me the chance to cry, really cry. I felt almost some kind of panic, because I was afraid that I couldn't get all the tears out before the feeling was gone. I cried for a while, and I felt better.

Of course I know that the nightly tears can not help me much, but they are a start and a temporary relief. I take the tears as little bonuses in the game between me and life. The game isn't over yet, thought it really takes all my energies.

P.S.
I could take a brake and rest for a while. But, a sick leave is not an option right now - my co-worker just got fired for a sick leave of one month...