Back for the holidays

I'm home again. My born and raised home at least. Virginia, where all my family lives and comes from. The land I grew up on and house my grandfather built. I have been dreaming of being back here for a long time now. Returning to something bigger and deeper than my life now, and lets face it, my life now is transitory, uncertain, all over the place. Here at least is something I know and can depend on. Stable and solid, a refuge. Of course, we all build up our own refuges internally, though the larder of that pantry has grown empty for me lately..

Why is it that we grow such strong yearnings and nostalgia for home and family, often even those of us with dysfunctional relationships with our families? Sense of place, belonging, kinship. Strong bonds those are. I find myself drawn by those bonds and yet usually within just a few days time I am anxious, restless, irritated. So enthusiastic to return only to grow weary of it so quickly and flee back to the freedom of our own lives, where we can do exactly as we please. I think it goes back to our earlier relationships as children and young adults breaking free of our parents. We are all grown up now, I am at least, but we still have that mindset of youth maybe in our subconscious.

I find myself mulling over and realizing these thoughts in myself here already. Cycles that repeat themselves illogically. Aye, and I suppose if there is anything that we humans are it is illogical creatures. Creatures of complicated emotion that defy rationality.

Such irony in this life to learn all lessons through contrasts. We must know failure to know success. Sorrow to understand joy. To know family and place is to also understand the value of freedom. Maybe to know boundless freedom and distance is to understand the value of family and place too.