shedding

I left the library I've been based at for almost a year. Not sad to leave my old boss (we had to do the fake huggy thing) but my fellow staff were very kind and sweet and put on a little buffet with a present and a bottle of bubbly for me.

then I found out by email that the long awaited, long wanted, long shot Phd funding did not happen. I was through to the final rounds but no. Not going to happen. I'm devastated. Somehow my hopes were raised so high I didn't think through this reality. I cycle home in a daze and fail badly at not crying. I need to rethink everything.

In quick succession two other emails deliver more bad news - a finance audit before the last part of other (desperately needed and spent) funding will come through, and an offer of the job in adult learning I wanted, only it is not an adult learning role at all but more part time library work 25 miles away.

Things look bleak. Maybe wake up call are what I need. Maybe the hard way is the only way. Life without glitches is not really life after all. Maybe when it all really matters and there are no safety nets do you really find out if you can do it. Maybe it is hard to be rejected and maybe they are trying to tell you that you are just not right or good enough for this kind of life. The galling thing is that a year ago, under a different decision making process that was more local, I would have been funded. But it doesn't change the outcome today.

Instead I am restored by affection on all sides. My sisters and brothers get in touch. My mum and dad threaten to come over. My friends send me messages and my flatmate gets me laughing again while she gives me the best godamn haircut I've ever had. (my hair had grown long and ropey and a huge big mess - as evidenced by it's removal in the picture)

It's a cliché but thanks to them I am picking myself back up a bit.
My future plans resemble a ski jump now.. no idea where I am landing or what is going to happen. Another job will be necessary, and it looks like the adult education role I wanted is not possible either.

It's hard to leave yourself behind. Feel like I am still telling parts of me that it isn't happening, like train carriages still falling over a cliff. I'll wake up tomorrow and need to remind myself, and another self. It did not happen. You did not do the PhD. Life will be another shape and other selves will grow, in time. For now, a little grief for their passing is the due they were owed.
6/10 a form of debt already