Day 151

Felt a bit all over the place in the morning. I kept waking up as I was nervous I was going to oversleep. Weird as my alarm was set and I only had to be awake by 10 which is nothing on the last two mornings!

Got really nervous about seeing the GP, especially as I had to wait for ages. I tried reading but just couldn't concentrate.

Bit scared by things I started committing to yesterday.

The appointment was OK. We arranged to start lithium. Eek. I felt desperate but at least recognised there was no point pinning hopes on my GP. I wanted to just to to bed but stuck out the feelings and went (via the pretty river) to have lunch with Hannah and on to Tyndale.

Tyndale sent my head spinning and I was glad to leave after 1 hour 50 minutes (glad I am increasing my time there but also slightly scared by this!).

I went off to Beka's. I was OK there until I got such a headache. I possibly hadn't eaten enough again though. This is the thing - I will eat hideous amounts of junk between about 10pm and 10am (or actually whenever I am in and by myself) but then seem to restrict myself during the day/when I am out when I actually need the energy. I really do need to stop this.

I felt so rough when getting the bus back after that. I did have the problem that I then felt like Beka thought I wasn't that ill. It's hard in those situations because I get it into my head that the other person thinks I'm OK (often because I'm not being very open with them) and then start to think I must be quite OK after all. Then I think I am just such a fraud and shouldn't be seeing the psychiatrist etc. Argh. If I think carefully though I think I know that I am not very well, but maybe quite a lot better than I have been in that I am more functional. Oh it is all quite scary...