Day 149

Bad night (probably due to obscene quantities of chocolate late last night). Had to get up so early to go to exercise session with Bibs and Ellie. That was so hard! Both the class and I don't think the getting up was much fun either!

Quick shower and off to Katherine's for counselling. I was some what jelly-legged from the exercise but rather happy.

I was fairly 'together' for the session. We were going through the first few chapters of a book we had both started reading. We talked about what my depression is like. I said how it varies so much from time to time. One day I might be hopeless beyond words and other days not understand how that is possible, but perhaps be riddled with guilt or something instead.

I had found it hard reading some of the descriptions the book gave of depression. Partly because it pains me to think of others going through some of these things. Partly because of this thing I have about wanting to be the 'most' ill, in line with previous attempts at being cleverest and thinnest.

Katherine reminded me that that is what everyone does. She said it is actually so liberating to put Jesus at centre of our lives.

We looked at the ladder illustration. Basically we put ourselves on a ladder of some property eg thinness. So we have people who are below us on the ladder ie they are less thin. We may look down and feel proud. Then there are people above us (the thinner people). We look up and feel depressed and bad about ourself. But say we got to the top of the ladder. What then? Maybe five minutes of happiness but there is the constant worry that someone is going to overtake us. The only way is down. It isn't a happy place to be. Same goes with prettiness, intelligence, 'nice'ness, goodness, 'special'ness etc.

But the amazing thing is that Jesus takes these vertical ladders and turns them horizontal. As Galatians 3:28-29 says.

God loves me because he loves me. I'm special because he made me and chose me. How ill I am, what I look like, my past, my whatever - none of it matters. So every time I compare myself to someone else I am going to tell myself to rotate the ladder 90 degrees.

We talked about how depression causes questions that are always religious. Big questions that have important answers. This is a good opportunity to think about them. That made me worry that I shouldn't be taking any medication as it might be taking away from what God is trying to teach me...Katherine said she thought it would be sensible to do as the doctors say and take the medication. Still good to dim the pain. Just need to still think about the questions.

I was worrying about whether I should do certain things. Katherine reminded me that by God's grace, I am free to do or not do these things.

It was a helpful time.

Didn't quite know what to do with self once I had left. Worried about the afternoon ahead. Maybe I would be fine..maybe I am fine..maybe if I just started everyday like this, I would be fine..but I don't want to and that makes me feel guilty.

Bumped into Emily who I know from my old church. She was really friendly and said I was welcome to drop by sometime. That made me very happy.

Saw Emma and ate crepes. Then I came home and slept.

Felt physically grim.

I did some painting to keep myself occupied.

Still low though. I made myself go down and play games with my housemate. I felt painfully low at points but knew the best thing was just to ride it out and try to distract myself by keeping on playing.

Now my thoughts are racing and I am feeling overwhelmed by all the things I want to do.