Day 160 - a beautiful train journey to Bern

I didn't sleep so well and was not looking forward to today (I hadn't had any problem with it originally - I think I was just in depressive mode). I was tired and maybe a little overwhelmed by being away.

When it came to time to get up, I was fairly OK about it. In some ways I wanted to get up as it meant I didn't have to struggle to sleep anymore. Despite being a bit tired. I don't really know, I'm a bit confused by it all.

We slowly got going and headed to the station for our trip to Bern. I became more fearful - scared of facing normal life again, scared of having awful lows again. They almost definitely will happen.

I'm trying to remind myself that God is with me. And this world is not my home. I will be safe one day with Jesus. If I get there...but let's not entertain that thought just now. I know my friends would say I am saved. Let's just hope they are right. I know depression makes it hard for me to believe I am saved but that doesn't change God's character.

When we got to Bern, there were some beautiful views and I felt better than I had done on the train. I was still fairly fragile though. We did quite a bit of sitting in the sun and then some wandering around the city. Some of it was quite alright but other bits were hard. I got so tired and needed to sit down for a while in the shade and eat a nice cream. I felt like I might have a little break down and wasn't sure how I would cope with travelling back. After some chatting I felt up to moving but was relieved that we could just head back to the station then.

A visit to a chocolatier while we waited for the train cheered me up! Such nice chocolate!

Struggling a bit with the fact Pei keeps obsessing over her weight. I'm sure she never used to. As I said before I arrived, she is tiny. Praise God that although I do think and keep noticing I look pretty fat (especially compared to her - flatten that ladder, Laura), it isn't especially distressing me.

I did get very low at one point in the evening and felt rather hopeless, unsure how I was going to get through the night. I was worn out. Pei said she thought I had low stamina levels. I don't know whether it should have done but that actually helped me stop worrying about the fact I had managed the weekend so much. Thankfully this and the walk back to Pei's picked me up.

I was worrying quite a lot though. Firstly because I worried Pei might be experiencing what I experience as she was saying she felt very unmotivated and was walking slowly as a result.

Then I wanted to tell her about Jesus out of love for her and wanting to save her from hell. I said I didn't understand how people can cope without being a Christian - everything is pretty meaningless if you just die and that is it. She said she saw what I meant but it was too deep. So I stopped talking about it. But now I fear I have just made her depressed. I don't know. I guess for eternity in heaven (and not hell) it is worth it if that is what it costs!