My epiphany

I decided to write today's blip about a subject that I have found it hard to come to terms with of late. But in the hope that I might be able to help someone else that reads it that might be going through something similar.

When Audrey was born, despite how wonderful and life-changing the event was, I lost my mind slightly. In hospital I became obsessed with trying to breastfeed her (despite initially not being able to). When I brought her home, this continued and to make matters worse, we discovered she had reflux. I pushed everyone away and became very defensive and withdrawn. It was as though being a mother was an exam I had to pass (and pass on my own!)

Having my own business also brought it's own additional pressures. Within four weeks of Audrey being born, I was back at work 1-2 days a week. Travelling to pitches, leaving Audrey and dealing with staff issues (having to sack somebody who had been very loyal to me was heartbreaking). Angus working evenings and weekends didn't help as I often felt very alone.

Somewhere in all of this I got a little lost. I became very anti-social, subdued, anxious, teary and felt permanently fatigued. I comfort ate to excess most evenings whilst Angus was at work, I was in bed by 9pm most nights (through sheer exhaustion), was ratty with Angus and unable to cope with Audrey some days. I certainly couldn't contemplate having another child.

These feelings were exacerbated during times of the month which led me to believe I had a problem with my hormones and that perhaps I had severe PMS (as anyone who has read my blip will recall).

The doctor also believed my symptoms (highs and lows in sync with my hormones and depressive tendencies such as comfort eating and tiredness) pointed to something called PMDD. Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder. Severe PMS that affects some women for two weeks of the month basically.

I started researching holistic treatments and tried supplements, reflexology, cutting out caffeine and alcohol. You name it! But nothing lifted the fog that descended. And most months it was truly unbearable.

As the months rolled on, it became worse and worse. I started to strike weeks out of my diary when I knew I wouldn't want to be around people. Pushing away all invites and chances to socialise.

I finally admitted to friends and family that I wasn't coping. I confessed that at times I was in a really dark place. They urged me to go back to the doctor. The doctor prescribed anti-depressants and counselling. She said "you're not depressed but we're treating the symptoms of PMDD which are the same as depression". She told me to take the anti-depressant during the worst part of the month (for two weeks) and to come off it on rolling two week basis.

The first one I tried sent me into a zombie state. I couldn't function. I woke with a ringing in my ears and was unable to move or think or feel anything. This put me off and I stopped taking it immediately but after another awful month, I returned to the doctor and she prescribed another one for me to try.

I'm not going to lie. I had serious reservations about anti-depressants and being "medicated". After all, I wasn't depressed (ahem we'll come back to this). But with Angus's support and childcare in place incase I was a zombie again, I embarked on my second attempt at them.

The initial side effects were once again horrendous and lasted a week. Groggy, tired, nauseous, insomnia - you name it. But I pushed through.

Two weeks on and the side effects have in the most, subsided. And I have had an epiphany. On my check up the doctor told me to drop the dose but to continue taking them for the whole month (reversing her initial advice about just taking them two weeks of the month - she felt my side effects were so bad that it would be tough to go through this every fortnight).

So here I am. Taking anti-depressants. Permanently. I am now taking it during the time of the month when I should feel fine anyway. But the startling revelation for me is that I feel better than fine. I can honestly say that I have gone through a complete transformation. I am lighter, happier, more balanced, more sociable. I have more energy, more patience and most importantly my relationships with Angus and Audrey have never been better. I am no longer comfort eating and as a result I have lost a little weight and am making healthier choices. Oh and my PMS symptoms have all disappeared.

I think it's probably time to admit to myself (my epiphany) that although PMS was my red flag, I was actually suffering from post natal depression. I only realise this now that the fog has lifted. It wasn't OK to feel that way. It needed addressing and now it is being treated, I feel unbelievably better about life and myself.

I don't know how long I will need to stay on these drugs. And I am already frightened about coming off them. (Are they masking my symptoms? Will I be addicted? What will the withdrawal be like? - I'm told six months and that they will hopefully alter the chemistry in my brain and leave me feeling better after a slow and controlled withdrawal - let's hope so).

But if anyone else is reading this and recognises any of these symptoms, please seek help. I can't believe I let it go on so long. I've got my life back and you should too.

Today's blip is Grazia in the park. I finished my work for the day and allowed myself an hour in the park with my favourite magazine. The old me would never have done that!