7th October 2014

I'm starting to convince myself that my behavior towards my Dad in the past is now being paid back to me, in double!

Dad and I have never been close; I'm not his flesh and blood and I'm not male! He always had visions of me working in a bank, I wanted to be an artist or a teacher. I worked a 40 hour week in his print business for £50, my brother was paid triple that. I hated the way I was treated, constantly made to feel I had to be grateful for being allowed to live in the house. For years we called him Wanker John, he was never a Dad to me.

And now here I am. Having to call him Dad again as I am the only one left who can deal with him. I would love to be able to walk away and leave him to social services. But I can't. He's still a part of my life, even of it's not the nice part, and I had to sit with him today and deal with his anger and shouting and accusations. Turns out he told the doctor and the crisis team yesterday that it's all my fault, I've stolen £40,000 of his money and I never visit. Today he tells me he didn't say this, everyone lies and he didn't break anything and he has no idea why he is living in a care home. I gave up. He was sitting in bed because he didn't want to get up as there was no point.

As I was leaving the care home I got to speak to Ben from the crisis team. He says Dad is depressed and the medication has been changed to help him, and it's definitely dementia and it's getting worse. The care home manageress disagreed and said he hs mental health issues. It now transpires that Dad will often wipe faecal matter on the floor on purpose, and has now taken to messing the bed when he's angry. I'm now thinking a dementia care home would be an improvement to where he is now. And I have 28 days to find one. Great! :(