Caterpillar Cake

It was the first day back for pupils and technically supposed to be "normal". Our Director Of Learning presented a cake to us for our hard work which was very nice of her. Unfortunately it was cut before I could have done the whole thing and had the idea to do it, so this is the head end.

I don't very often say too much about personal stuff on here, but sometimes it gets in the way and it cannot be brushed aside. It also will explain again why some of my write ups like this one are sometimes not very positive.

I have been very down since the weekend. Once again the horrible subject of relationships (or permanent lack of - of course in my case) rumbles on. This is a subject that draws very high emotions with me and there is no doubt that I am extremely angry and very bitter that I have never ever been able to meet anyone. It's simply not fair as I know I would do all I can to make one work. I am unable to have that chance. There are times when I could sit in a corner and howl. It doesn't help that nobody understands how I feel and nobody knows what to do. This is something that shouldn't happen. Being a male in a permanently married environment everywhere I go - whatever I do, doesn't amtter what or where it is - it simply doesn't matter.

I grew up at the wrong time and craving naturality and a non smoker, this was the death knell of my ever meeting anybody by the time I reached my 20's. . I've always found it extremely hard to make friends and this is probably symptomatic of my ISFJ personality. I've never wanted to run with the crowd and I still strongly feel that way now and that won't have helped either.

I have been on a number of internet dating sites for some years and this has created even more problems. The problem with them is it is dependent entirely on what you say in your profile and your pictures - which have to be perfect. I have rewritten my profile numerous times and one has even been written by someone I know not that well. Whatever I write makes no difference as when you try to join in a "conversation" when someone's online or any email. I am ignored - I have never ever been able to communicate with anyone.

Added to the general doom of this subject I am frequently criticised because I don't want to take on someone else's children and this does nothing to help an already horrible feeling as it is. I knew when I was 18 that I didn't particularly want children of my own, and although I don't rule my own out should I ever get there, I simply don't want someone elses. I am so sick and tired of this particular part of the problem. I've never had a relationship with anyone, so I have no experience of being a father, and I don't want to be a father to a child that I had no involvement in conceiving, let alone what it would think of me, quite apart from finances and so on. I feel that it is morally unacceptable and it is not for me end of story. Some people make great parents. I'm not one of them.

The other big problem with dating sites are the hidden extra charges and the ambiguous terms and conditions and simply the fact that you are not told how to use them! I know that sounds stupid, but it's true. There's a serious need for an official investigation of them as they need regulation and they really are a licence to print money, preying on your emotions. That said it is also extremely frustrating that I know of lots of people who have met online and even in our family. (My cousin did, but probably only because he's a Solicitor and earns a lot of money).

I often have very low self esteem and I will always put myself down. I've no money, poor qualifications, no practical ability and a head full of knowledge that I can't put to good use because I need a degree to do it (I can't afford to do one anyway even if I could do one). I feel that I am a failure because I can't communicate with people and be assertive. I feel an idiot, a lemon.

I don't know what the answer is, but I know that counselling, religion, and dating websites are not going to be the answer. At the end of the day, if everyone else can do it, so should I as I don't want to spend the rest of my life being lonely as I am.

I can only apologise for another go on this horrible subject but this time it has caused more distress than it usually does. Hopefully a better blip tomorrow.