Don't Look Back

Oh God, it's Monday. Again.

I went in slightly later to work today, as I had a fasting blood test this morning. It's always a struggle getting up, but today was particularly bad without the promise of a nice cup of tea and breakfast! They did say I could have water, but it always makes me feel sick, so I couldn't even be bothered!

I hate my job. There, I've said it. I don't know why. I didn't used to. I just feel trapped, and in need of something more exciting. I know you have to go to work, etc, but I sometimes find myself wondering if this is it? There's got to be more out there! With this in my mind, I soldiered on through the day. I actually had a meeting this afternoon out of the classroom, and I beavered away by myself afterwards, perfectly content in thinking my own thoughts and just getting on. It was quite sad to realise that I felt happier doing this and less stressed than normal.

Decisions, decisions. I'm scared of change, and yet yearning for it and being liberated by it. I worry I'm too scared to change anything of importance, like my job, in case it doesn't work out.

I feel pretty low at the moment, and I know why. My brain is constantly churning with my thoughts, and as I said to A last week when we talked " imagine having all of this shit rolling round in your head all the time". It's utterly exhausting. I thought I'd be past it by now. The hurt. The sadness. The disappointment. The feeling of just stagnating and not feeling like I'm moving forward. I probably need to sit and have a good cry. I haven't done that since July, I just can't let myself go there. I was a bit like that when Gramps died. It's too painful so it's easier not to go there. I wonder if it might make me feel a bit better if I did. This sign that I bought seems to ring true. I often think of Gramps when I read it, but also of Him.

I'm on a bit of a downer tonight, as you might have noticed ;-)

I'll have to put my happy face back on for the children tomorrow, we're starting the rehearsals for the Christmas Play.....