Tough

Do you ever feel like you are swimming against the tide?

The last few weeks have taken their toll. My granddad died on the 10/11/14. Over two weeks later and I can't quite comprehend it. He was a most magic man, known for a mischievous twinkle in his eye. Other family shifts have occurred, the ground literally moving under our feet which takes my breath away when I think about it, and I am not even directly involved. This is not a good time to be what feels so very far away.

It is the eve of the Garvald Bazaar, a time that used to make me giddy with excitement. All that build up, all that work about to be unveiled. It feels odd not to be a part of it any longer. I think this is the first year I have really mourned it. The first where I have had enough space to miss it. Where it is not synonymous with other memories.

I think that sense of build up and accomplishment, of there being some finality, is what I find so hard about this course - for it is lacking . One piece of work is finished and the next appears on the horizon. One set of skills completed and then there are more to think about. There is never that post Bazaar glow where you bask in the feeling of a job well done, of a trick pulled out of the bag on a grand scale. For individual acts but for not for something larger. But, dig in I must.

And the most beautiful little girl, with eye lashes to kill for, that I received at caesarean section today helps to put a fair few things in perspective. How could she not, with all that possibility stretching out in front of her. So, dig in I will.