And on the night Jesus was betrayed...

I hate to sound like some sort of hellfire and brimstone Jesus freak here... But I have to say that I am in a lot of religious reflection these days. I mean, it's Easter. I guess I was thinking today that I feel like I relate a lot more to Judas (who betrayed Jesus in the garden) and Peter (who denied Jesus three times after SWEARING HE WOULD NEVER DO IT) or Zacchaeus, the shady tax collector who wanted to see Jesus, but was afraid of being judged, discovered or found out, so he climbed up in a tree and peered from afar... I don't really ever feel holy, and from outward appearance I am a relatively "good" Christian. Church, good works etc. But my heart is pretty shady, my behavior and words can be wrong and harsh, and downright wrong. I know all of this, and somehow I still want to love people, love myself, love God and I am desperate for a return on that love. I am pretty sure that theologians promise that the point of the cross was the cleansing and redemption of my black heart and the assurance that I am loved despite my flaws and failures, and yet I still struggle to accept and believe the most basic tenet of my faith, that yet while I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. That it's not that I loved Him, but that he loved me and gave Himself as a living sacrifice for me. I am thankful for Easter, so that I can sit with the people on this same journey to the cross and try to sort through what it is to believe in some ambiguous Deity who lives in the sky, while we fumble around here on earth, trapped in flesh and try to see through a mirror dimly an accurate reflection of all that was promised. No less, I relate more to Judas than John and look forward to the opportunity the Easter season provides to reflect, repent and renew. The Lord is Risen indeed.