'is this really happening to me?'

phantom planet

an excerpt from my journal from a couple of weeks ago. the jist of it is my absolute conviction that I am going to die before I can finish writing the entry and I'm trying desperately to explain what I'm feeling.

amongst some other still debated things, I suffer from severe panic attacks. I usually black out during them and become an entirely different person, as anyone who has had the "pleasure" of interacting with me during one of these can attest to.

sometimes people have told me it's all just in my head, that I'm doing it for attention, that I just need to suck it up and get over it. sometimes people have used this as leverage for themselves, using my state to make some case about how I'm "crazy" or not that good of a person.

if you ever think this, I'll gladly offer you my journal to give you a glimpse at what a scary world it is when you wake up and don't recognize your best friend who's taking care of you. or when you're too scared to close your eyes because you're pretty sure you won't ever get to open them again. or when you don't remember large chunks of your night and have to trust others to help you piece them together again.


I hope everyone had a good weekend <333