NO KEWS HERE

This is the first in the "How Not To Garden" series.

First, look at the label which usefully comes with the plant. Alpine, hmm? Next, read the description and planting suggestions. No? Okay, next, go and get your reading glasses. Can't be bothered? Oh, alright then. Well, Alpine (in big letters on the label) means small doesn't it? Small, like a little bunch of snowdrops or something? A whole bunch of little fragile tiny flowerheads.

Find a plant pot in the shed. This one looks handy, it has a hole at the back to hang it from a wall, and there is a rusty nail stuck in the wall below the kitchen window which won't come out.

Plant up the Alpine with a little frothy pink thyme which will drift daintly over the lip of the plant pot, Ideal, as it has a great crack in it at the front which is not very attractive. Water and wait.

The moral of lesson number one is to: Read The Label. I now have a triffid like lily poking out of the pot, waving dangerously in the wind, and spraying clothes-staining pollen all over the place. I admit it is a pretty lily but it is not quite how I envisaged it.

This is an early blip for me as I think I ought to be busy with other things this evening. Tricky times loom ahead. Does anyone know of an instance whereby a computer has been cited in a divorce case?

"She flagrantly spent all her time with it M'Lord, every evening in front of my very eyes, chuckling and laughing with it as if I wasn't there. Clicking from screen to screen. I was ignored, apart from a request for another glass of wine, and I fear this has now become a marriage of three. I rest my case".