the nothing

I'm trying to be the person I am when I work.
I'm trying to be that girl who listens without judgment. I can do this during business hours.
I've gotten used to it. People want to talk, I let them.
Usually (almost always), no one really wants feedback at all.
I can do this.
I can say things like I understand or I'm so sorry, or better yet, nothing at all.
I can be the strong shoulder to lean on, the kind smile, the approving laugh, the reassuring voice. I can say or not say what is needed at that time and at that moment.
I'm paid to do this. I like doing this.
But away from the job, I waver.
I try to fix. I try to undo. I try and I try, and it never works. I say all the wrong things. I give all the wrong looks. I ask all the wrong questions. I'm unsure. I'm unsteady.
I worry. I shift. I shake.
And things become blurry.
Things get complicated.
Things get pushed and shoved into little compartments that overflow with confusion and frustration.

Strangers are easy.
It's the people I know that make it hard.