urban myth

Deep in the city...
Where a close twists and bends
lurks a miserable sod
with no family or friends

He's a tad misanthropic;
quite easy to irk
If you outstay your welcome
he'll go quite beserk

He'll be drinking a coffee,
sometimes smoking a fag
and more often than not
somewhat losing his rag

His identity's secret;
his name is unknown...
To those few who have met him
he's the Grumpy Old Cone...

***

Jeremy and Jemima Thrannock-Poshingtonfforde are taking a shortcut home from school one day...

"Are you sure this is safe, Jeremy? Mummy says we mustn't wander through dark alleys during the winter, especially not in this part of town..."
"Don't be frightened, Jemima! It'll be a little adventure!"
"It's awfully dark, Jeremy. There could be all sorts down here. Can't we just go and wait back by the school gate for Mummy to come and pick us up in the Range Rover?"
"We can get her to pick us up from the other end of this alley; I'll send her a message on my Junior Blackberry. There's something we have to see first. You see, I heard a couple of the fellows talking during luncheon about a strange creature of whom one of their elder brothers heard rumour."
"What manner of strange creature? Not one of those awful homeless men?"
"Don't be silly, Jemima. Apparently this creature is a strange, magical being who teaches children about nature and suchlike."
"How curious! What on earth is this creature called?"
"Apparently it doesn't have a name but if you hail it thrice and wish really hard then it appears and speaks to you. This is the place here."
"Shall I close my eyes and wish now?"
"Yes. I'll shut mine too. Watch!"
"Gosh! That's clever!"
"Now I'll call out. Old Cone! Old Cone! Old Cone!"
"What an odd name! WISHwishwishwish..."
*pop*
"Not an odd name, but an appropriate title. Who calls me by it?"
"Oh, hello sir! I'm Jeremy and this is my sister, Jemima."
"Children, eh? What can... children want?"
"I've heard that you're a magical creature who can teach us secrets!"
"WHO told you that? EH?"
"My brother, Jeremy."
"DID IT NOW? And from WHOM did YOU hear this?"
"From some young gentlepeople at my school, sir. Please sir, they intimated that you are a wise old fellow who knows much of the mysterious ways of the natural world. Can you teach us something, sir?"
"Oh yes please sir, please teach us!"
"Teaching... yes, I shall... teach you something. You... BOY... trot over there to that tangle of wire and leaves."
*clop clop clop*
"Here I am, Old Cone. What should I do next? It's awfully dirty over here..."
"Oh Jeremy, be mindful of your shoes!"
"Nature... cares not for the cleanliness of shoes. Consider a cowpat, or some mud. THAT is a thing I have teached you. Now, BOY... reach into the tangle of wire and leaves."
"Ow! My hand!"
"Consider yourself taught that one should ALWAYS... LOOK into a tangle of wire and leaves before reaching in. KEEP REACHING. Now, do you feel anything? Bring it out."
"Gosh, it's a birds nest, and it's full of eggs! Shouldn't we leave it alone in case the mummy bird is scared away?"
"I'm afraid the mother of those eggs met... an unfortunate end. The frigid autumn air has long ago taken care of the young birdlings which once might have hatched. Bring the eggs... over here... and I shall teach you more."
"Gosh, aren't they lovely, Jeremy!"
"Here you are, Old Cone."
"Place the eggs a little closer. Put them here, next to my hand..."
"There you go."
"Now, let me pick one up... there. Now, are you paying attention?"
"Yes sir."
"Very well... HEEERUGH!"
*splat*
"Ow! That hit my arm!"
"HRAAAAGH!"
*crack*
"Eeeek. That broke on my head!"
"HEEEURGHGH!"
*splat*
"Owwwww! My nose! That was new last week, too!"
"THAT'll teach you to PISS OFF AND STOP BOTHERING ME. Little bastards. HRRRARRRRRGH!"
*thwock*
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh!"
"Now BUGGER OFF. I don't want to see you or any of your snotty little bloody friends down here again. HRRAAAGH. Stupid little posh gits. RUN! HEEERGH!"
*splat*