Falling In Love

Today was going to be a rainy day blip, because ever since I returned from NC it has done nothing but rain, rain, rain. I'm kind of tired of hearing everyone talk about it, though. I'm tired of talking about it. It's all over facebook, everyone is tracking the inches of rainfall and commenting on the driving conditions. All worth noting.... ONCE. But we are beating it to death over here, because rain is like unheard of for we Californians, at least in any true sense of the word.

The rain makes me miss England, though. Overwhelmingly so. I could easily pack a bag and jump a flight TODAY and be gone for two months and be happy. That's the funny thing about it. I'm home there, even though it's not home. If home is where the heart is, isn't part of my heart always going to be in England? So maybe it is home. Kinda. In a way.

This blip, though, is about falling in love - as the title suggests.

There is a line in a movie that speaks of being prepared for loving your children, but being wholly surprised by how you fall in love with them. It's one thing to love. But being in love? That's a different sort of feeling.

I love more than a handful of folks. I love my belongings. I love ideas. I love motions and actions and stars and clouds and race cars and powerful engines and photographs and stories and friends and laughter and a ridiculously good meal, among many other things.

But I am absolutely in love with my children, and I was completely unaware of how deeply that emotion can afflict a person.... until I was afflicted.

My oldest was the result of a plan that formulated quickly and would not be held back. I remember taking the pregnancy test and watching the faint plus sign fade into view. It was exactly what we had hoped for. At that moment, I had no idea what was in the future.... late nights that turned into all-nighters again and again, heartbreaking tears that knew no stopping point (for either of us), utter confusion over what was right and wrong, and an overall feeling of sudden and extreme responsibility for a little life that needed guiding, loving, feeding, changing, consistency, stability, money, diaper rash medicine, shots, education, hugs, hugs, and more hugs. And that was just in the first year.

All I knew as the certainty of the pregnancy was confirmed was that this child was a gift. But the day that I went into labor I cried and cried out of fear. I wasn't ready. I didn't know who would take care of this baby; I was just a baby myself, married to a man who desperately wanted a child and worked long and unconventional hours to provide awesome medical insurance and financial security.

We made our way, though. The fear never really did completely dissipate. I still worry that she won't drive safely or that she will smoke herself into respiratory failure or that someone will cause her harm.

I loved her from the moment I learned that she was growing in my belly, but the falling in love happened sometime during the late night feedings and lullabies. We laughed together, we paced the floors crying in one another's arms, we snuggled close and fell asleep only to wake again in a couple of hours..... we did this over and over and over again. Two little girls lost, night after night. But we bonded.

I was stunned the night she was born. It was a difficult labor that my youthful body was probably not quite ready for, and I think I was a little bit in physical and mental shock upon her arrival. I couldn't stop staring at her, but in no way did I feel ready to be a momma. Instead, we started out as partners in crime. We've always been friends. We've always been in this together. It took a spell for me to find my parenting legs, and lucky her, she was around before they sprouted. She helped me become a mother. She guided me, too. I really followed her lead, if you must know. Yes, Victoria, you may think I'm a great mom..... but so much of that is because of you, love. xo

My youngest was something of a surprise after trying for so long and thinking she wasn't going to be. The self-induced trauma during my pregnancy with her was unfair and might have made a weaker soul enter this world at a disadvantage, but not my Erin. She is strong and able and inspires me to no end. When I don't know the answer to a question, she is my go-to-gal. When life has turned sour, she is the one who hands me a packet of sugar that she just happens to have in her pocket. This kid is magic.

I used to sing Amazing Grace to her as I rocked her. She saved me, in a way. I was lost, but through her guidance and love and support, I was found.

Our bonding really began the day we survived, unscathed, what could have been a very real tragedy. I knew I was in labor - almost three months early - as I sat in the warmth of a stranger's truck and surveyed the lump of smashed metal and broken glass from which I had earlier emerged in total shock. I remember feeling like laughing as I climbed out of the passenger's seat because the crushed-in driver's side door was immovable. I looked at all of these stunned faces of folks who had pulled over to see if the driver had survived. They were twice as stunned to see that not only was I uninjured, but I was also sporting a big pregnant belly.

After they shut down the freeway to land my hospital transportation, I was whisked away and my baby, my Erin, my love, was calmed in the womb at St. Mary's in Phoenix. That was January 5, 1996, and she was born healthy March 30th at University Medical Center. Thanks to her big sis, I was prepared this time. I knew what I was getting into. I knew what was in store, and that allowed for this: The moment I held her in my arms, I fell in love. The very moment.

Even before her birth, this child was handed a set of circumstances that would prove to be a challenge, but she has always been protected, somehow, and mastered whatever has stood in her way. Things have always gone right in the end. Surviving the accident, being blessed with the man who would become her father, growing out of a childhood illness, overcoming shyness and building important friendships. She is lovely, she is funny, she is intelligent almost beyond my comprehension, she is kind, she is balanced. My god, what's not to love? How could you not fall in love with this child?

Both girls are special, far beyond what I could capture with a photo or a group of words. People are drawn to them. There has never been a lack of love in their lives. Not ever. They shine. They are filled with love and compassion and beauty.

I love them unconditionally and without hesitation. They are my closest allies, my dearest friends, my most special treasures. They've been my teachers, my inspiration to do right and do well, my reason for always desiring to be better.

I'm so proud to be their mother. xo