New Home - Day Seventeen

My name is Archie and I am a sinner.

I lay in my crate this morning and watched the Nippy Wee Wifie get the stove going to warm the place up. The fire had gone out in the early hours of the morning and NWW got stuck in, giving the stove a good going over to get it lit.

I haven't paid much attention to the process before but watched intently today.

I took notes for future reference. Here's how the procedure goes.

Check thermometer on table.
Look shocked, adjust thermal underwear, apply woolly hat.
Open curtains to let the early morning sun in. This actually helps raise the temperature a little.
Kneel down before the stove and wiggle the riddler to shake the ash down.
Peer into murky depths to see why riddle is jammed.
Poke around with a poker to free riddle.
Cough as clouds of ash plume out of the stove.
Sigh with exasperation on discovering that the riddle is stuck solid.

Take small shovel and remove all the clinker, placing it carefully on a sheet of newspaper on the hearth.

Poke all the ash down into the ash pan.
Put on big boots and take ash pan outside. Clear snow off ash bucket, empty ash pan into bucket. Repeat times three.

Decide to give the stove a good clean.
Remove various bits of metal from the inside and place on hearth.
Poke around with the poker some more.
Remove a multitude of pebbles that had been masquerading as coal, jamming the riddle plate.

Put on big boots again and head outside to shed.
Find snow shovel, clear path to shed, empty shed, find the ash vac, replace shed contents, come back indoors, remove boots.

Cup of tea.

Place ash vac beside stove. Attach vacuum cleaner. Start hoovering up all the ash and soot.
Disconnect vacuum cleaner, disembowel ash vac, peer at blocked filter.
Clean ash vac filter with vacuum cleaner. Reassemble ash vac, reattach vacuum cleaner. Start hoovering ash again.
Stop. Sigh. Disembowel vacuum cleaner, remove dust bag, empty dust bag, reassemble vacuum cleaner and ash vac.
Start over.

When stove is "clean" scrunch up newspaper and fill bottom of stove. Place firelighters.
Find a single stick in the kindling basket and place it on top of newspaper.
Sigh loudly again.

Put on big boots and head outside to wood store. Find snow shovel, clear path to wood store.
Mutter lots of sweary words as snow falls off house roof.
Shovel path to wood store again.

Dig in snow drift and recover axe. Chop kindling. Chat with neighbour in similar dire circumstances. Have a cigarette and lie profusely about how you "love country living and wouldn't have it any other way".

Return to house, remove boots.

Put kettle on for more tea.
Adjust woolly hat.

Place kindling on stove. Apply match. Place small lumps of coal on top of kindling.
Reel back as acrid clouds of smoke belch forth from stove.
Slam stove door shut and make tea.

Kneel as if in worship in front of stove for half an hour, coaxing and cajoling it into life. Periodically cough as smoke continues to swirl when stove door is open.
Fiddle with various knobs and levers on front of stove.

Throw the saved clinker that was wrapped in paper on top of the lukewarm coals.
Mutter the magic incantation - "That'll get ye goin' ya bugger"

Smile smugly as flames lick up the sides of the stove and warm the chimney.
Listen to alarming crackling coming from stove pipe.

Put on big boots and go outside.
Stare at roof and ponder whether chimney is on fire. Consult with neighbours who are also standing outside examining their own chimneys.

Come to a collective decision that fire brigade is not necessary - today at least.
Return indoors, readjust woolly hat, remove boots.

Shovel more coal onto fire. Adjust knobs and levers. Watch the raging inferno settle down into a blaze of white hot coals.

Remove woolly hat. Poke the fire a bit more.

Remove one of the three sweaters that you are wearing and have a cup of tea.

Notice blackened cobwebs festooning the ceiling above the fireplace.

Put on boots, go outside, replace ash vac in shed, rummage about in shed some more.

Bring back a tin of white paint and a painbrush.

Job done!