Papi's Letter

My father was somewhat a stranger to me. Growing up all I ever heard from my mother was "your dad was lazy, your dad really wasn't all that keen about having children" (and they ended up having 5 kids go figure) and the old famous one "you're just like your father" was only said when I misbehaved. As a child you believe your parent (whatever they say). My mother changed her tune about 15 years ago and began to tell me "call your father, reach out to him, he was good man, forgive him, he's older now and must regret not being there for you". By that time, I was closed up inside when it came to my dad. I didn't feel much except I knew I had to love him simply because he was my father. I remember him walking me down the aisle and feeling like I was walking with a stranger. Our interaction was always difficult.....we never knew what to say to each other except small talk.

Fast forward......my mother passed away almost 2 years ago and all of sudden I had a hunger to know my father. He in his own little way started to reach out to me. He would call for my birthday and holidays and began to say "call me just to say hi or come visit me". My insides started to open up slowly.

He found out he had cancer in December 2011 so my sisters and I went to visit him. He looked great as always just older. He was so optimistic and never thought this cancer was going to take him down. We were having lunch at a restaurant and out of the blue for the first time he began to share and open up. He asked "what would you think a therapist would say about a 13 year old kid that didn't shed a tear when his mother died"? I immediately knew who he was talking about. HIMSELF. I told him to continue. He shared like he never did before. I was in tears because for the first time I looked at him with compassion and all I wanted to do was hug that little 13 year old boy. That was (to me) the beginning of our relationship. I was looking forward to more of that.

The cancer didn't kill him but the chemo did. He died on January 17, 2012. I went to the hospital a couple of days before he passed away. He couldn't speak because of the tube in his mouth but he was coherent. He didn't know he was dying......he wasn't ready to die. I had a moment alone with him and I held his hand and looked into his eyes and said "Papi de quero y yo se que tu me queras". He nodded yes.

Yesterday I went to visit his wife Noemi and my step sister Patty. They asked me to come over for some Peruvian food and to share stories about dad. While sitting in the dining room Noemi says "I was going thru your dad's nightstand and found your letter". I said "what letter"? She handed it to me. I opened up the letter and as I started reading.......it all came back to me. I forgot I had written this letter 22 years ago for Father's day. Noemi said Dad had always kept that letter close . It meant a lot to him and he took care of it. In an instant, I realized and believed that he did love me after all.

I learned and understand why my Father was the way he was. I also learned that he loved to write, read and would easily cry for anything. That's me! That's where I got those traits from.

Papi.....I love you and I know you love me too.

Carlos Benito Vinazza
March 21, 1926 - January 17, 2012