Entry 101

When I got made redundant last year at the very beginning of my pregnancy, I had just signed myself up to a night class for writing children's fiction. I was so excited by the prospect and then the first class ended up being on the day I was made redundant. Boo.

I went anyway, and enjoyed it. The first class was actually a bit dull as it was all talk and no practice but the homework that was set was great - write a short story about something that really mattered to you as a child in 3 paragraphs. I managed to write the story and it got really good comments in class the next week and I was really proud of myself.

The trouble was that as the weeks went on in class, where my creativity was supposed to flow and grow, mine dwindled and fizzled out. As the harsh reality of trying to find a good job in 2 months whilst being pregnant (and pretending not to be) and dealing with the feelings of rejection and panic brought on by the redundancy truly set in, I felt a tightening in my stomach and a great big bubble of nothing brewing in my head.

In the end, I stopped going to the class as it just made me feel worse about myself. I didn't really feel like any creativity had returned for a long time (looking back on my first entries, it was there all along, I just needed a new project!) and not only had my creativity pissed off on holiday, so had my concentration.

The ability to read a book was completely beyond me - I used to read so much but as I picked up the book , instead of reading I'd really just be looking at the words as they ticked along in front of my eyes. In my head I'd be going 'right, tomorrow I need to iron that shirt for the interview and I need to make sure my bump hasn't grown too big for my black trousers. I need to go to the cashline to get money out and go to the shop to get a bottle of water so I can get change for the bus. I need to blah dee blah dee blah'.

It was pretty insufferable I have to say. Imagine having to hope your bump wasn't showing. Awful, awful, awful.

Anyway that was a long time ago now (a whole life time ago) and things are different now. I feel ready to do SOMETHING. I am working on a few ideas but the most exciting thing of all is I am ready to read a book.

Sounds pretty straightfoward to you I'm sure, but I am excited. I could go down to the bookshop and spend hours choosing a gem but frankly I am not confident I have the concentration for that yet. Rather, I pick up a book that I know I love and re-read it. It's always worth doing that anyway - as you grow older and your opinions and ideas change, then whole bookshelves of your well read and loved books can take on different slants. It's amazing.

So...(and here, people - is the link!) as today is my 101st entry, my thoughts immediately turned to 1984. I am not sure if I nicked this copy off my mum (did I, Mum?) but it is pretty battered and faded. A reprint from 1955 and costing a whopping 2 shillings. The fact that this particular copy has spent time on a few different bookshelves, looking out and watching the varied lives of the people around it makes me love it even more..what has it seen? What has it heard?

Arlo's asleep and Bry's watching a programme about banking (eh?!) so I am going to run a bath and start reading. So. Bloody. Chuffed!

Thank you everybody for your lovely blipday wishes to me yesterday - I confess to missing the 100th entry all together. At the risk of sounding like a total eejit, how did everybody know? Is there somewhere that shows you who's having a blipday?

Anyway - it was lovely to hear from you all and I'm thoroughly delighted to be a Blipper. It makes me very happy and has helped me in ways I'd never thought possible.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you (repeat till fade)