Wilful and wild

What's the phrase, if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all? Well I sometimes wish my MiL would adhere to that one. We spoke on my way home from work yesterday and what was actually a lovely chat turned a bit personal (as is so often the way whenever we get a bit closer).

I was telling her about Squidge playing up over lunch in Saddleworth at the weekend and how awful it had been (should have known better than to pick that particular anecdote) and she said she thought we had actually created "the problem". She said Squidge isn't disciplined enough (she was a real authoritarian with Angus when he was growing up and favours this approach). Apparently it may even have gone too far and it could be too late to do anything about it in her opinion. In a follow up email today (I think she may have been trying to apologise in a strange way) she used the words "wild" and "wilful" to describe Squidge.

The thing that hurts the most is that there's some truth to it. I think we are failing at discipline. I am often on my own with Squidge because of the nature of Angus's job and rather than create a scene if we're out in public (especially when we're out in public), I have a tendency to acquiesce to her demands. Thereby creating a rod for my own back!

I don't like scolding her at the best of times (I wasn't brought up in that kind of household). It makes her cry uncontrollably but sometimes when I'm tired and she's tired, I do back down too easily. Or use bribery to get us round a sticky situation. In fact I use bribery A LOT! It just stung to think that my MiL is judging my parenting. It's bad enough that I am judging myself every day.

She also asked (politely it has to be said) if there were any more grandchildren on the horizon as she said she felt very sad to only have one. I said that I wasn't completely ruling it out (even though I kind of am) but that it wasn't on my radar currently. Again I felt as though as I was letting her down. It has made me feel so sad and flat today.

The truth is work and other things have taken over parenting recently. We're behind on potty training, her meals could be more varied and I can't remember the last time we took her swimming for example. I'm already feeling like a bad parent but hearing it has made me feel so much worse.

Off for a lie down in a dark room and a contemplation on how I can reset parenting along with all the other stuff going on in my life :(