Looking in his eyes

As i lay here on the floor in the sunshine with Kanye while he pushes his cars and trains around, I can't help but stare at him, looking in his big beautiful green eyes.

There are no words to describe how much I feel for him yet so many ways i could.

I feel like when I look at him and he looks back, he's there and he has things he wants to tell me, things he wants me to hear. It sends a ripple of pain through me wishing just for a moment i could have the chance to hear him speak, to know what he's thinking.

I love him enormously the way he is, he's taught many of us things we'd maybe never have had the chance to learn. I couldn't be without him but I just have this part of me that feels his frustration in not being able to communicate.

This morning he had a seizure that lasted 6 minutes, not one of the big tonic clonics ( grand mal) but myoclonic. They aren't as rough for him to recover from though still exhaustinge it's less of a strain on his whole body. My chest ached looking into his eyes and seeing his pupils hugely dilated and him not there looking back as the electrical storm flew around in his brain.

I check every couple of minutes to see if his pupils react to light checking for any signs of abnormalities or stroke.

Luckily his seizure ended on its own without the need for us to administer midazolam which they use in hospitals to stop seizures. It effectively calms the neurons in his brain by sedation. And I'm also glad it stopped before we needed the ambulance, though they are always quick to attend and really lovely i just didn't want to have to drag him to hospital.

He went into post ictal stage ( post seizure) where he is sleepy, disoriented, twitchy etc for about 10 minutes. In this stage his brain is trying to regain it's bearings and start to recover. It's pretty exhausting and he sleeps for a long time which is good for recovery.

He's been lying around today with not a lot of energy but still a big smile for me. He keeps having moments where he drops out ( absence seizures) which must frustrate him losing bits of time in his day.

It's days like these I just sit with him and love him wishing he could tell me what it's like and how he feels.

All i see when I look in his eyes is love and happiness and I guess that's all I can hope for.