Melting down

I didn't realise until today that next week is the last week of school, its been a long term and Marley has had an appointment every week for the past few weeks on top of being unwell twice. 

He hasn't had a decent week at school in a while so hes been quite unsettled with no consistent routine. After yesterdays ados screening and a good sleep i thought he would be ok today to go to school.

I made his lunch and got him dressed and as i was getting dressed he just fell apart. For reasons unknown. It was everything and nothing.

He got himself so upset he was hysterical, almost in a state of panic- he sobbed uncontrollably, tears streaming, arms flailing and  eyes wide looking scared. Andre and i looked at each other for some kind of  idea of what to do , we were both blank. We both tried to settle him. He was past being reasoned with, he was so far gone. 

In the end, i scooped him up, sat him on my knee facing me , wrapped my dressing gown around him and just held him, rocking gently back and forth, after maybe 20 mins he had come back but looked exhausted.

We worry for his mental health, me especially. That episode he had this morning, ive had them.

 I understand the fear when you cant cope anymore and you don't know how to stop, i understand that all you can do is just cry and you don't even know why, i understand the anxiety and panic of it all- your chest feels tight, like you cant breathe, its frightening to not know why you are so upset and why you cant stop, why your mind and body are doing what they are doing. 

In moments like those, someone need to step in and distract, take them away, do anything because you cant actually do it yourself.

This sort of thing is extremely tiring. 

I decided to keep him home, i knew if i were to take him after calming again he wouldn't cope.

He's been really quiet today, sitting in my room playing with his lego wrapped up in my gown. He had another moment before where his eyes filled with tears when he didnt understand what i was saying. 

I spent as much time with him today as i could, just sitting next to him. Hes so exhausted, im looking forward to the holidays to let him have some rest. 

My heart breaks for him and it makes it hard to send him to school (thinking of tomorrow) when hes fragile like this, his wee mind being so overwhelmed.

Nearly the weekend at least and Andre is home Friday so having him around for school in the morning will help Mar. I've  asked my mama and papa in law if he can stay with them one night this weekend, its a nice break for him there and he misses them a lot and gives him a chance to do his own thing without his brothers taking his stuff, lets him rest a bit.

Kanye hasnt been so good today, the head injury he got yesterday has been making him really ratty, hes been aggressive and shaky. They did say children in his class were off today sick as well as teachers so it could be that, i have no idea.

I do know i love my boys, and coffee.