Good Grief 24

Struggling to give in to sleep tonight. Sick of it all. Back at work after a weekend travelling. I quite like driving. It's 12 hours of not having to think about living. There is the clear purpose of going from A to B, I can listen to the radio, watch the world pass by, and not think too much about not feeling part of it. It is a sort of suspension but also a feeling of doing something and heading somewhere. It's difficult when I get there and I soon want to be back home again. But having got home it all catches up with me. Whatever I do and however active I am, or not, when it comes to shutting my eyes, I just feel endless loss and sadness. It remains the bottom line with little feeling of joy or interest in the world. I watched the programme on the nhs tonight and just felt that it is all a rather bleak outlook in terms of ageing in the future and what on earth is the point especially where there are no dependants? Still, work tomorrow, still a functioning unit. Better try to sleep.