Today was hard

I speak from my heart today. It was hard. I'm really tired.

I feel suffocated, overwhelmed, lonely, isolated and exhausted.

Harper came down sick today, Andre took him to the after hours and he has tonsillitis too.

Andre also has a sore throat.

So again, i was on my own managing the fort.

I know they can't help it, i don't blame them, i'm just tired.

Its really isolating and lonely being on your own when everyone in your house is sick, kanye isn't though, he has no tonsils but his verbal skills are partial so like i say - no one to talk to. 

I thought we were in the clear, i was enjoying everything being easier.

Its easy when your down to feel unsupported as well though im not- just feels that way, My side of the family isn't very big- i have very little contact with my dad despite my attempts to tell him news about us and his grandsons. That kills me- he has pretty much no interest in them, i got over not having a father figure other men stepped in my mums partner and then my ex's dad and uncles though they were mostly on the wrong side of the law, they at least cared. Then when i married my now husband his dad became like a father figure. 

I have my mum, and i have my husbands family though we haven't seen them much or spent much time with them lately especially my boys, which i also find hard. Sickness has taken a lot away from me and my boys this year. Their chance to spend time with them.With their cousins and grandparents. 

I feel dragged down and defeated today. Like i officially give up on the illnesses. Ive cried off and on. There's no time for Andre and i to have together- our relationship hasn't been the best  the past couple of months, we've had to put it aside for sickness, for the kids, for all the appointments, we're like flatmates who happen to own children together and i miss him. Though he's here i miss my husband. 

 These bugs this year have taken so much but also not just that- Marley and his diagnosis, everything that surrounds that has been hard, endless meetings and he himself hasn't been the easiest child. 

There's no break form Aspergers, from his extremely picky eating or his meltdowns, there's no break from kanyes epilepsy and i am so grateful they aren't in a worse condition and i know it sounds like i'm whining but its really hard all the time especially  so when they're sick and i'm so tired and its really lonely and isolating 

I've contemplated walking away not from my family but from all of this stuff. I feel like i need a restart, i wish i could move into the country, or a tropical island but that wont solve much. Easy to dream of things being easy though right?

Im not one to air my dirty laundry in public so dont judge me for this outlet, but you know what life isn't always so peachy and it is hard. 

Parenting is hard, kids with special needs are hard, relationships are hard, illness after illness is hard and typically i have the oopmh to get through with a smile and a happy its all ok type mood but this time i don't.  Im getting to the end of my tether, i'm stressed and tired. Not everyone likes to put out there the harder parts of how things are or to explain how it is but i feel its worthwhile not just for me to be able to vent but to also show that for all the happy things i put up there's another side to it. 

Im not saying all this for pity, for a pat on the back im saying this to show we're just like everyone else. We too have things as a family and as individuals that we have to get through. 

Again i apologise for this, its not my intention to be rude or offensive or to make anyone uncomfortable. Im just telling it how i feel it is right now, im really tired and everything is bigger and a lot worse when you are tired, reality is its probably not as bad as it sounds, i cant see that right now. I'm over illnesses this year seriously over the bugs. 

So please send your healing vibes our way, they need it