Which is my good side? Thinking aloud (6)

Which is my good side? Thinking aloud (6)
Thinking aloud series.

To continue: as I said my reaction to the email was mixed - shock, upset, anger, indignation and relief.  A familiar brew.  My first reaction was to distance myself, I knew I’d not have anything to do with this person in the future.  Their reply to my ‘holding’ email started I understand this is a sensitive issue -  the tone of it continued to push my buttons even more firmly.  So there was more for me to explore as well as the option to just drop this person like a hot potato, to walk away.  I wanted to check that I wasn’t just being an over-sensitive prima donna so put the email exchange out for second opinions, asking not for support but for first reactions prior to divulging my own.

One response was "Away and fuck yersel" - with the rider that a more conscious response might appear later but that was the immediate reaction.  Another was "Take yourself and fuck yourself with yourself."  Someone else suggested I should give the writer a piece of my mind - an interesting turn of phrase.

Encouraged that I wasn’t entirely mad and super-sensitive (self-doubt is, I think, helpful when not crippling).  I set to drafting an email that fully and freely expressed my feelings about the whole situation, the emails and the person.  And of course I meditated, loving kindness, the whole shebang.  I went to the tender places in myself where raw nerves were touched.  I thought about Brene Brown’s caution about the people you should NOT share your vulnerability with.  Those who are blind to the consequences of their own actions, the invulnerable.  My worthy adversary fit that category.  

I pondered whether to send the raw email, there was no rush, nothing needed to be done.  This was all by way of closure, completion, an ending of one sort or another.  A slow-motion high stakes conversation - a shift in my way of being was required.  That sounds so elevated, so calm, so above it all.  That was not the tone of my email.  Not the tone at all.

This was my blip post the day I got this layer out of my system.

#am writing