What If.

So I watched this video.

It was a girl talking about this big negative thing that happened in her life and how it still effects her. It was where she was in an awful relationship with this boy who totally ruined everything, he cheated, he was vile. You get the idea. And she says how it's wedged a gap in her life where she's separated into who she was 'before' and who she is 'after'. Further goes on to discuss how he's like this third wheel who comes along to every mental thought of relationship. Like he's over looking her every move like looming over with his negativity.

I read by old blog post because I was using it at uni and it's titled 'forgive'. Where I say how forgiveness isn't for him it's for you, in order to set yourself free. And yes, absolutely. I've dropped the idea of him behind, he was gross and it was a nasty situation.

But.

What he did stays with me. The feeling of hurt, the 'what if I just had ran away, or left him so much sooner'. What ifs are a terrible thing. They are enough to drive you absolutely mad, to the point where you're so frustrated at the what ifs that you wish they weren't just ifs.

I think it's the idea that it could happen again. The whole trusting someone, loving someone, holding them in such high esteem and for them to shatter it. To shatter the idea that they were ever worth or you were ever worth anything.

The thought of it still makes me sad. To be clear, he doesn't make me sad. He's an arsehole who my mind dropped at least 3 years ago.

But the feeling of being broken still lingers with me, like I've been poisoned or tainted. Like my brain has a glitch in the trust box, that is getting repaired but sometimes it has its moments.

Happy Blipping.