The Dream

So today I've been trying extremely hard to be happier. I even felt good for a little while. But I've been really shaken up all day and all the little things make it worse.

I asked to be left alone last night as I was really depressed and just confused about what I honestly wanted. I didn't mean in the sense of us sleeping in separate rooms but after being awake until 4 am, I realised that that's exactly how he took it. I guess that's my own fault for not saying how MUCH space I needed.

The alone thing isn't really the point, I basically fwll asleep and woke up again at around 5.50 am after having the crappest dream I've had lately. Not to go into too much detail, I was basically stuck in a house with no way out and there was a group of people trying to "attack" me. Go figure what that means. In the dream I was terrified and in the end I was caught and it happened. It was also one of those dreams that feel completely real and even though you know it was a dream you still can't really tell. I woke up in the same pains as I was given in the dream. I was abused in several ways and I woke up feeling shaken and exposed but there was nothing I could do. He was still in the other room so I just closed my eyes again but everytime I did the dream continued from where it last ended. So I spent until 8 am just staring at the ceiling in pain and sad about what seems to be absolutly nothing at all to most people. It was, and is, worse for me, I wont go into why, so I just hoped that trying to get through the morning would be better. But then I realised that I was so upset and he was still in the other room so the time dragged a lot.

I feel a lot more protected around him, I guess that's why I felt so abused by the dream. Not to mention its relevance.

It's been on my mind all day and I just don't know how to stop it at this point. I had a successful job interview and still I feel awful because of it. So now I'm just laid in bed on my own again hoping I can just cry away how depressed this is making me.