Up

It's the only way.

(baby)

I took a new little pocket Canon Powershot for an outing today and didn't expect much of the distant shots, but this is okay considering there was no sun (that's cloud, not blue sky, by the way) and, despite the quality, the colour and composition really make me smile.

A bit further on one of the paragliders came down really close and I got a pic of him/her waving.

This morning was nerve-wracking. I had my first assessment with the depression and anxiety service and spent the half hour before hand getting myself into a nervous tizz with full on shakes and palpitations. I've had enough of thinking about, talking about and analysing me. I really want to concentrate on something else right now.

Anyway, it went okay. I was honest that it was causing me angst merely having the appointment and I hardly recognised my own voice: I sounded deep and shaky. From the way the questions were angled at making a depression or anxiety diagnosis I could sense quickly that the depression ones didn't apply neatly to me. But most of the anxiety ones made me think, "Tick. Tick. Tick..." So that's the beginning. The rest might take years, apparently.

I was thrown straight back into domestic reality with a grocery delivery afterwards.

I felt lighter when we went for a walk. I haven't enjoyed a walk for ages. They've been hardwork. Just knowing that the appointments, tests, analysing and phonecalls are over for a while eased my whole body, and knew that I had one less thing to worry about for now. (Richard is currently reading the credit card statement to me so I'm not at all relaxed or stress-free at the moment!)

When we got back from our walk I walked around the garden for the first time in weeks. I know the garden is a mess, the veg plot is full of weeds, things need hacking back before they snap in the wind, but just to able to look at it all and think about what needs doing was surprisingly easy today. Panic and stress had my mind closed to almost everything around me for a while. One thought at a time - that's all I've been able to deal with, and even then it's not been easy.

"What do you want to get from this?" asked my assessor today.
"One thing, I guess, is that I want to be more relaxed about normal, everyday life," I said.

And lighter.
I want to be lighter.

So...
So what if I spent the evening nit-combing?
I laugh in the face of nits!