Anxious Wednesdays

Butterflies. A pang of stress. Lowness and sadness merging in and out of the picture. The wall I’m leaning on is shaking with the coffee machine on the other side. It fits with the nervousness of the situation. I can taste my heartbeat anyway.

I’ve got forty minutes to fill so I’m sitting on an otherwise empty bench in the shopping centre. I should do maths, but I clearly won’t be so sensible.

These sorts of waits do tend to induce anxiety but it doesn’t help that I’m still pretty stressed about what’s going to happen with C. It’s a bit like back in the day when I’d live with this tension and anxiety, waiting for disaster to strike.

At least I have something to do; writing is a pleasure at the moment. Aside from the guilt and worry regarding whether I’m recording my state accurately, there’s something beautiful about letting my feelings flow into the page.

I’m not so keen on all the passers by doing their passing by. Especially the ones who walk so close to my bench, confidently. Clunk, clunk, brogues hit the ground with firmness. Intimidating really.

I did have some respite during the morning whilst swimming. I did some lengths and then joined my friends in the toddler pool. I chatted a bit to Bibs about my conundrum and she made the helpful point that I shouldn’t reinforce my worries by repeating the same prayer again and again. I need to leave it with God.

“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.” Psalm 91:14

Well, I’d better go and get ready to do this safeguarding training....quite possibly filled with triggers.

***

The safeguarding was heavy going and I got back home, feeling somewhat done with the day. I wasn’t impressed that I had to go back to church a few hours later for children’s church planning. That probably made me feel unsettled.

I was still feeling anxious from earlier issues too. Not just about the C situation but also about whether H thought I was a freak for giving her chocolates. I’d been very concerned about doing that this morning. Compulsive phone checking ensued. Generally resulting in an empty feeling.

My head ached in the meeting and I became progressively more agitated. I felt like I was gasping for breath even though I think I was actually breathing. I wanted to dive outside for fresh air.

I got home only to feel hurt by my housemate for saying I was going on and on. But she was asking me to explain, so that’s why I was saying anything. Should probably get over it...