Mixed Synchronised Pole Swimming.

Editor’s note for our ‘Murrikan viewers; Farquhar is an ancient English name. Pronounced, “fɑːkə,”
Lionel is related to a long line of Farquhars going back recently to George, (1678 - 1707) a famous Irish Playwright. 

“Good evening to all those at home, reporting live from the Water Sports centre in Tokyo this is Lionel Little-Farquhar, representing BBC Sport on this auspicious and wet occasion. In the pool this evening we have witnessed the first mixed synchronised pole swimming display, the GB team has finished in Gold medal position; their opposition were completely outclassed.

Here we see the team celebrating after their final display. Melissa has apparently succumbed to oxygen depletion and is lying face down in the water. Officials rushed to the scene but she refused assistance and claimed there were too many wandering hands.

There was only a minor glitch, as can be seen from this image. The costumes, designed by Shimmering Designs of Worksop, became translucent once immersed in water. Consequently there were gasps of approval and disapproval, in equal measure, from the members of the media and public. I overheard two elderly men from Alberta discussing this seemingly innocent faux pas, “Hey look Wally, wieners and beavers in the same pool!” Well I understand the allusion to wieners but I have never seen a furry flat tailed mammal in a swimming pool. Upon expressing my surprise the two men curled up laughing to the point where I felt they were just damned rude. 

Never mind; the BBC will never be reduced to the travesty of adverts or foul language; although one irate competitor did comment that her Nike trainers let in water like a hole in a dyke. Once again the two Canadian lumberjack chaps were reduced to audible paroxysms of laughter, especially when the female members of the squad were inverted. 

I must say, this is going too far, I may have to walk over and remonstrate on behalf of these helpless young ladies. Too late…..we may need medics as the girls have just beaten the burly chaps senseless, or it may be that they are rolled up in balls of mirth. They may get a good shoeing anyway for becoming delirious when I told them my name is Little-Farquhar, what they deemed so amusing is impossible to comprehend; just wait until I tell my friend Nigel.”