CatPoo

My Dear Princess and Dear Fellow,

I want to try and convey a meeting with Ellie to you. It is not easy. 

She is a ball of FIRE! A HIVE of activity! A MAELSTROM of high-energy and good humour!

"EW HAIR-LO," she always greets me, in a funny upper-class English accent. 

And then before I even have time to respond she's in there with a whole litany of one-word sentences!

SO!

YES!

AND!

ALSO!

THINGS!

Please do read those words aloud in an excited manner. I am not making any of this up, this is a typically Ellie opening while she gathers her thoughts. 

OH MY GOD! SYMON! THINGS! SO MANY THINGS!

She was on rare form today.

She was working on another presentation about what we do. I expect you think all we do is give presentations. I understand. But actually Ellie is constantly busy fixing things, organising things, doing STUFF and THINGS. As she says.

But we are BOTH also trying to GET THE F*CKING POINT ACROSS that what we do could be HUGE if effing managers got off their effing airses and gave us more people.

Hence all the presentations. There are a lot of managers with a lot of opinions. And almost none of them know what we actually DO.

And it's easy to be impressive. I'm not being modest here. When you've got a clear plan - like Ellie - and a good product - like Ellie - then it's easy to knock up a PowerPoint with slides that say. 

SO!

MANY! 

THINGS!

So that is what Ellie wanted my help with today. I have a reputation as a PowerPoint diva which she intended to "leverage".

"Do you see my fancy word that I used there Symon? Do you? DO YOU??"

This is what an Ellie meeting is like and also she has a tendency to - 

F*CK YOU CATHERINE POON!

It came out of nowhere. 

Ellie was in mid-sentence when suddenly from the depths... 

F*CKING CATHERINE POON! F*CK! SHE IRRITATES MY BUMHOLE!

I could not actually breathe. This is the sort of thing that reduces me to hysterical jelly.

AND DID YOU KNOW HER USERNAME IS "CAT POO"? 

IT'S BECAUSE SHE IS, SYMON! 

SHE IS CAT POO!!

Of course my chat to her is not entirely mundane either. For example, at one point I insisted she remove the phrase "lift and shift" because it "hurts my soul".

"There is NO SUCH THING as 'lift and shift' Ellie," I lectured her. "If anyone tells you there is, you are allowed to COCK A SNOOK at them."

So then we had to look up cock a snook, because she did not believe me that this was an actual thing. 

So that was my meeting with Ellie today. It was quite a long meeting, broken up occasionally because she needed to wee or to go and fetch her magic wand. As shown above. 

I am very lucky to work with her. 

AND!

YES!

SO! 

ALSO!

She is just amazing. 

S.