Day 39

Argh. Horrible, horrible day! And it has made me remember just how hideous it is to be really depressed. And why getting better IS a GOOD thing...

The morning was spent feeling very unwell, I really was despairing at times with that but thankfully, as we entered the afternoon, it became a little more bearable. There was some guilt, some disgust at the state of my room. And myself for that matter. I watched some iplayer and played some games on my iPad, all the while feeling slightly more like I was going crazy at having been stuck inside all day.

I had been sort of worrying about going to hell, sort of worrying about how I would cope later in life...I decided I really needed to get out. Except I just sat there aimlessly, not doing anything. Suddenly everything climaxed and I became extremely low. I began to hate myself more and feel more like a burden as well. Thankfully I was able to rationalise my thoughts a bit. But, when I overheard a housemate say something about me, I completely broke down.

I managed to calm down relatively quickly, aided by phoning Helen. She said I was being utterly ridiculous about the thing I had overheard. I suppose it was actually not so bad at all. Anyway, chatting cheered me up a fair amount although I did begin to lose energy.

I watched a bit more iplayer whilst drawing the above. That was relatively fun.

But alas, many more negative emotions have followed. Not helped by the amount of chocolate I once again have consumed. I'm quite surprised that I actually was bothered enough to write this in the end!

I guess there have been good or at least ok bits of the day but there has also been quite a lot of mental and physical anguish. Really hoping tomorrow is better.