Day 42

A chocolate cake made with aubergines, no less!!

Today started off badly with a trip to the GP to renew my sick note. This was the source of a fair amount of stress to me though: I wanted the note but didn't want to be fraudulent in getting it by deceiving my GP or whatever. As I cycled to the surgery I felt really unwell. I thought it was anxiety but then thought maybe it was just me still being physically ill. I hoped it was anxiety in that that would reassure me regarding my worry that I am now mentally/emotionally OK...

We had some tears in the appointment as I explained my predicament. She was very patient and said her only hesitation in giving me the note was that she didn't want me to feel more guilty. That was reassuring. I did keep having doubts on anything she said but I found it easy enough to recognise that I always have doubts because of silly old OCD and that didn't make them reasonable. Doubts I have had in the past have often been totally irrational. I found a list of my biggest fears from early 2010: the biggest fear was electrocuting someone. Funny as this isn't something that bothers me at all now. Anyway, the point is that doubts have always been plain wrong in the past so why would it be any different now? But maybe it is?

The GP said that the fact I was feeling guilty made her think that I did need the note. But then that's difficult because if I believe that and have peace over the issue, then I am then not displaying that symptom and then maybe I am well enough not to have the note...argh!

I was pretty stressed about it all and felt quite delicate. I decided I would not go on to volunteer as I had planned but rather would see a friend. I felt a little bit guilty about this but went with it. I talked to Tess about things a bit. Some of the stuff she said actually made me worry more though and made me kind of want to just go and hide in bed. I was also worried about plans that hadn't been fully confirmed with people and the fact that I maybe should be going into Tyndale.

Tess went for a nap and said I could go and lie down too. I remembered that I had asked Bibs to pray that whatever my motives etc that the right decision would be made regarding the sick note. So praise God, I didn't need to think about all the ifs and buts and doubts about whether I was a fraud. Hooray!

I felt a bit guilty lying in bed, playing on my iPad. I decided that I did still feel a bit delicate at least for some of the time.

After a few hours I went over to Lizzie's. I had a general feeling of anxiety pretty much the whole time. I wasn't too bad though. I am stressed that I may be providing a misleading account of my feelings now. I can't fully remember.

I guess I felt a bit low after leaving but I was alright after I got back. After a while Emma came over and that was quite nice. And now I am staying up way too late. That is making me feel quite guilty and on edge.