Day 29: 50/50

See saw day of good, bad, up, down.
Little sleep, still behind, good morning session at reading group but then 3 coffees later I ran to the loo had to follow the urge to drew blood with a pin for a particularly painful pluke on my face. No relief just sore red lump, now bleeding. My teaching prep stop start in between meetings and I rushed into class fecking the first exercise (boring, obvious, not useful) but the second took off like a rocket and two of them came with me to a performance event. Again there too, the mirror me looks pale, face grated, rough. Once home my thoughts linger, circulate and loop on yesterday and the inevitable bad outcomes it will result in, can only result in. I hack in and on and before I know it, blood, bumps, and I go on and on and on.

I'm fine, don't worry about it. I'll look like crap for a few days. The corrective punishment will be there everytime I look. Just need to be honest. The trigger? The worst thought, the thing they said - you seem so confident. I wanted to tear that down so badly, whatever it was they saw, it has only led me into trouble again.

(really, I am fine, particularly now I've typed this. Honesty, above all else)

6/10