Day 120 - black, clear, cloudy - like my mood

I was having the most horrible dream where I was dying and pleading with Jesus to save me, except I thought maybe I had just made Jesus up and I was actually about to be gone forever and how could I know....BEEP! I woke up from the sound of a text coming in 'neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39. What a relief xxx'. SO relevant and what impeccable timing. God is so good.

Parts of the morning were ok. Christine set me the task of contacting my GP to get a note for my benefits file. I did that and felt like that was enough for a while. I did some CBT work whilst watching iplayer (good combination - taking note for future!). But mornings are such a struggle at the moment. Such an effort to get myself to go downstairs to get food.

I'm not entirely certain when or how (possibly when I began to get bored or when I started to think about going to Tyndale) but I became painfully low and desperate. Entangled in this was missing Lucy (whyyy?).

I wasn't sure how I can keep going. I was trying to hold on to the fact I don't always feel like this. Also, God loves me. But it was painful.

Tyndale was difficult (but I did wonder whether it might be a whole lot better if I had glasses... Don't want to have that hassle though...) but did distract me in a way. I did some shelving and some labelling. My head felt a bit muddled and not always on the task. I had little energy and was keen to leave after an hour.

I was scared about going home for the whole evening. I tried to distract myself by stopping off in town on the way back. I bought some food, still feeling rather glum. How would I keep on going? Too much pain.

I got home and snap, just like that, I entered cleaning mode. I cleaned for a good amount of time with minimal stress. My woes felt washed away and all was well.

I felt a little guilty as I got into bed a bit later. Was I just asking to get low again? That wouldn't be good, but eek, anxious about being better. Surely I could let myself off worrying if I wasn't low for the rest of the day? It's not like it would be a bad thing to have a good day, but even if I thought it was, I still have had enough pain today to mean it wasn't a good day whatever happened now. I sort of persuaded myself but haven't quite managed to find complete peace yet. I'm ok though.