You're twistin' my melon, man

Call the Cops!!


Here's my to-do list this week. So much to do, plenty of time to do it in, thanks. Not the usual gripe about being so busy busy busy. I have the luxury of having plenty of time to work through my list , helped of course by rarely doing any of the stuff I write on the list, leaving lots more time to not do the other things. I have a worrying capacity for not doing 'stuff' - as my boss diplomatically pointed out to me in my 'Personal Performance Review' discussion today. I also have an excellent gift for creative swearing it seems.

Anyway, back to the list. Contact Police.

Stage 1 Looking out of the window one evening and saw some goons driving like dicks, leaving the road, mounting the pavement and crashing into my wall. Boys went away in ambulance with airbag explosion bruises and dented egos. Police in attendance, statements given. A 'Victim Support' slip with reference printed by interviewing WPC (although you're not sposed to put the W now to differentiate, it's not PC, if you catch my drift) and given to me, personally, by hand, as a 'victim', in my house (key information).

Stage 2 As directed on the slip, I contacted LBP by email with all the details of the incident saying I'd like to contact the driver or their insurance company about the damage to my wall. I received a reply saying that I need to provide proof my identity before any details could be provided. Fair enough, I guess. So I rocked up to the public desk of their headquartery type building armed (not literally although its becoming more likely by the day) with all the details and back up docs. A fine civilian administrator, let's call her Lothian & Borders Police Civilian Administrator (LBPCA), came out to help me. I explained to this woman that a car had driven into my house/incident number/insurance blah blah blah. She was looking confused and said 'what is it you want again?'.

Me: I'm here to produce proof of id so that I can get further details re an incident at my address.

LBPCA: So you've crashed your car ?

Me: No, I've ...

LBPCA : You've had your car stolen?

Me: No ...

LBPCA: Your house has been burgled? ?.

Me: No, it hasn't, I didn't say that, can I ....

LBPCA: So (sighing) why exactly are you here then?.

Good question. I finally got through to her, copies of my documents were taken and I went on my merry way.

Stage 3. Received a letter from LBP saying that they've looked into my request and cannot provide me with any further information as there is no reference to me in the incident report. I emailed back swiftly to say that I was puzzled by that statement. The incident in question involved a car driving into MY garden wall at MY address. I called the incident in from MY house to get the police and ambulance to MY house. I gave a full statement IN MY HOUSE and was handed a printed incident reference. I said it was hard to believe that there is no reference in the incident report of the location of the incident and ME as an interviewed witness and householder which will, in turn, tie in to my proof of identification and address?

Step 4 Received an email from LBP saying that while they did not dispute my claim that the car had driven into my wall, they cannot disclose any information as I am not referred to in the incident report by name. Cue very creative swearing.

I now have to phone the WPC (W for ....) and request that the incident report is amended.

I'll do it tomorrow.