I used to be scared of spiders

1. I used to be scared of spiders. This time last year I didn't live in this flat, I lived in another and don't get me wrong, it was lovely. Cornicing? Cornicing? you've never seen the like. There was a back garden and one of those lovely kitchen diners they are always on about on Location Location. It also had slugs in the bread bin and wall to wall spiders the size of a large wine glass. I'm glad I don't live there anymore.

2. The first time I saw one of the jumbo spiders - it was clinging to my bedroom curtains - like Sly Stallone in Cliffhanger. I tried (whilst sobbing, my toes bleeding they were clenched so tight) to hoover it but it jumped. I swear to god it jumped. I didn't sleep in my room that night. I slept on the couch. I was an idiot, not long after I found about 8 of those jumbo boys hanging out in that couch. But I didn't know that that night.

3. And then something changed. They were coming thick and fast for one thing, so I needed to take charge. I just took a large wine glass and the estate agents schedule for the flat that I was selling (that seems important) and started to scoop them up and throw them outside into the garden. The first time I did it I said outloud to no one 'you are some woman'. I said to to me and I meant it too.

4. Just a moment ago I popped into the bathroom in my new flat and there's a spider. 'Hello' I said. 'You're the first one I've seen in a year, I've been expecting you ( I said this last bit in a russian accent). I just left it. I'm not scared of spiders any more.

5. I used to be scared of post show talks too. This is a very quick, very bad snap of the one I arranged tonight. These are some truly brilliant people infront of a truly lovely audience. I'm not scared of these any more either.