Charley

Had some lovely time with Charley today. It is what I want to remember really. Took him into town this afternoon to finally register his birth, and wandered round the shops with him afterwards. Bought myself a pair of new jeans to celebrate being able to wear non-maternity trousers again (although must remember that if I want to not be too fed up about my size, to not bother going to New Look. I am a size 12 there. Only a 10 in Next. I like Next. But only when they actually have jeans that I like), got Ben a fantastic heavyweight cardigan that fits him well enough to easily last through Winter and Spring, and some sweets for Ben and Steve. Had to make a stop at a cafe because Charley woke up so I got to sit down for a coffee and half a pannetone while he had his boob. He screamed halfway down the precinct (well, not screamed, but protested loudly) and then as soon as he was out of the wrap he was like ooooh pretty lights!!!! Had his boob, wrapped him back up, didn't find anything in the toy shop for Ben (want to get him a bosch toy drill), but did find a rather fabulous dinosaur bedlinen set for him instead in the furniture store :)

So that was the good part of the day. (Apart from the gorgeous cock au vin we were cooked for our dinner this evening! Truly grateful - couldn't have picked a better day to have another meal cooked and delivered by friends. Thankyou Steve and Helen, if you're reading this!)

The frustrating part included going to the dentist this morning (she suggested I take some diazepam next time before coming - I asked if it was suitable for a breastfeeding mum to take, and she said oh... probably not....) although that wasn't so bad. Frustrating is that it's over a month before I go back to get one tooth capped and another filled. A month to wait. And one of the temporary fillings fell out this afternoon already! Unbelievable.

Got home from my lovely afternoon out to find Ben desperate for mummy, and Steve poorly and looking so. No cake baking this evening then. Ben was difficult to put to bed, and Charley has been attached to me all evening pretty much (apart from when Steve's had him to give me a quick break, or to change his nappy - when he's made it quite clear that he wanted me back NOW.

Sigh.

I have cried this evening from sheer frustration.

I read a blog post yesterday about attachment parenting and discipline and thought how well it put into words what I want to do and achieve with raising my own children. I don't feel like I'm doing very well at the moment. I don't have enough patience and find myself yelling at Ben "I wish you'd just do as you're told for a change without asking why!! Why is because I SAY SO!!" far too often. I said in a blip a few days ago about not thinking weaning Ben is the answer to the current frustrations although tonight maybe it might have made things slightly less complicated - but Steve and I are both feeling like the only thing that comforts Ben is a booby cuddle. I wish I could figure out a way of helping him realise that a regular cuddle - from either Steve or from me - is just as good a comfort. But the booby cuddle is his comfort blanket. And from an attachment point of view, breaking that attachment to his comfort blanket at this point in his life (crazy half finished house, new brother, growing up, hormonal adjustment, new bed, parents in a separate room) is a nuts thing to even contemplate.

But it's still hard work. I find myself thinking about controlled crying, bottles of formula, strict routine.... and wondering whether I'd just find stress coming at me from other places instead, or if things would be "easier". I guess it probably depends on your definition of "easy" and when you want said "easy" period to be :-/



Oh yeah - the dungarees Charley's wearing in the picture (come home, get Charley out, plonk him down take picture, take another, get frustrated at focussing issues, take another, look at his expression, give up) are the ones I bought yesterday :)