What are you looking at?

Corin and his cats.
Not my cats.
Definitely his.
If Corin's not there, then they become James' cats.
I know my place.

Sent an email last night. Conversation that bore so much hope back in October has not, despite my optimism, been seen through. So I sent the email. Have had a curt response as if to suggest that I am out of line. My correspondent has chosen to be deliberately obtuse. I don't think that a series of short texts, intermittently, resolves the issue of a fragile relationhip that needs building up again. I am angry, again, and feeling utterly impotent, as I did for so many years, because a fair point is being pointedly ignored. If it doesn't suit, ignore the problem. If it's not your way of thinking, then twist it and make it my problem. It's not about you, it's about a phone not being switched on, or a text not being replied to on the odd occasion.

I beg the question, why would the phone be switched on when the text and the phone call are such a rarity.

I asked the question last night, I was wrong to do so, but I was angry and so I asked James "What does he do for you?"....."Nothing" came his matter of fact response. The fathers day card that has sat in his bedroom since last year, undelivered through not having seen him, has finally been consigned to the bin - not by me, but by James.

It makes me angry, because I fear that one day, he will sweep in, be the big "I am", start throwing money and time around, and all the hard work, the consistency, the time, the love, the nagging (for the right reasons), the hugs, the homework sessions, the cooking, the care....will those things be forgotten and swept aside by possible grand gestures that might be made along the way, because I am the one who is always here and that might ultimately be taken for granted.

I don't know.

It hurts me....so it must hurt James and there is not a damn thing I can do about it really.