Serendipity meet Rachel

More jumping! Our youngest child is made of rubber and springs!

I love the word serendipity. I love its meaning (or my understanding of its meaning). It's such a much better word than luck. I forgot the word for a while and kept trying to explain the feeling. But it's good to use a new way of explaining things sometimes - it stops us over-using expressions, and makes sure we really mean what we are saying.

I'm feeling really philosophical today. I've been trying to grasp a less complicated attitude to life and stop getting wound up about pointless things. I suppose I want a more basic approach to things: being happier with what I've got, seeing happy things and grabbing the moment, allowing myself to smile more. Sometimes even forcing myself to smile.

I didn't sleep well last night. My brain just would not shut down.
I've been thinking about my writing, my family, what constitutes happiness, and what's good and bad for my health. Two days ago I thought if I could I would fight any expectation to be anything within me and society and just be. It's hard to explain what I mean in this arena. I guess my blog would be a better place. But this is good for those immediate, daily feelings.

The sun shone brightly this morning for the first morning in a while and I felt it was telling me to get up and make the most of the day despite being tired. Joel was feeling a bit better, and Tess had one more day of school holidays. I'd been upset about the lack of light for photos yesterday and here was the light I longed for and the opportunity for a walk.

As we headed towards the Saltmarshes and on to Crow Point, the light reflected off the water like liquid gold and I felt the pleasure warm in my tummy. Photo-taking light.

Serendipity.

We walked, I warmed up my camera, the clouds gathered dark and menacing behind us and the low sun shone brightly on the old boat. I stood and held my camera at just the right place for the best shot.
The battery died.

I ranted. I wanted to kick myself. I sulked. We kept walking. I breathed deep. I told myself that it didn't matter - I had a photo of our beautiful bouncy child. I'd got out in the fresh air. Tiny pleasures add up. I need to expect less from each day and from myself. I'm trying to change, to not let things get to me, remember?

Back home the phone rang. It was the depression and anxiety clinic.
My anxiety therapy can start next Thursday, if I'm happy to ahead, they said.
I nearly said no. I really nearly said no.
I've spent forty years forming this person. I don't know if I want to change. In fact, I'm sure I don't want to change. I'll be fine, it's just a mindset I got into in October, I'm okay now, right?

But I said yes. Maybe I'm ready for something that lets me be me, right?

Serendipity.

And this photo makes me smile more than menacing clouds.
:o)