Just one

I wouldn't be being true to blip if I didn't note the turmoil I am in at present as regards to having more children. I am so confused about the subject, it is untrue.

Yesterday was a difficult day in Nottingham as I caught up with old friends and contacts and it literally seemed to be the only topic of conversation. "When are you having another one?", "You'll be trying for number two next then?" etc.

It is so difficult as my decision some time ago was to only have one child. It was a decision Angus supported and if it wasn't for the pressure from other people, I suspect it would have been one we would have both been happy with.

Instead I have this overwhelming feeling that I am letting everyone down by not having more. It is on my mind everyday and I am becoming quite snappy and defensive about it for a number of reasons.

I am aware that some friends and maybe even family think my decision is selfish as Audrey will be denied a brother or a sister. Having been so close to my own two sisters, it must seem odd that I don't want her to have the same experience etc.

I didn't see this coming either. Having previously said I'd never have children and then having had one, I thought the pressure might be off but in many ways it is even worse now. Especially as I am constantly told that it is a decision I must make for "Audrey's sake". When I love her so much, even the implication that I am somehow letting her down at this early stage in her life, cuts me in two.

And what if Angus secretly wants more children? Am I denying him that too?

My head is all over the place. If I had another child, it would be to silence everyone else. And that can't be right, can it?

So here goes. My reasons for only wanting one child:

- I don't want to split my love for Audrey; I love the thought that we have a close bond and could stay a small, yet loving family. When she was born, I remember holding her and feeling our family was complete. It felt like the last and only time I would give birth to a child and I felt so at peace with that.

- Angus works long, unsociable hours in his industry and the thought of being home alone at evenings AND weekends with two children is one I struggle with the idea of.

- I only just feel as though I have got my life and business back on track so the thought of derailing again worries me. As I approach forty, I don't have time on my side either so if I did have another one, it would need to be soon and I worry that I am not ready (will I ever be?)

- Financial constraints. As someone who is self-employed, taking time off for maternity is expensive, as I have to eat into my business's cash reserves and can't earn while I'm out of work. I worry what the impact of another child will have on the future of my business and whether we will be able to afford the bigger house we'll undoubtedly need, not to mention the university fees and all the other stuff in the future.

- Last and perhaps most importantly, we are happy. The happiest we've ever been, in all honesty. Having Audrey has been an incredible rollercoaster but it has brought us closer. I am worried how a second child might upset this equilibrium. I don't like messing with happy.

I know that if I stick to my guns, I will disappoint a lot of people. I will constantly face the "why didn't you have another child?" question and will probably be constantly on the defensive about my decision. But this might just be the price I have to pay.

On the flip side, I will do everything in my power to ensure Audrey is surrounded by friends, cousins and playmates. We will try our damnedest not to spoil her (however tempted we might be) and one day I will explain to her how difficult the decision to just have her was, in the hope that she understands.

So there you go. That's where I'm at right now. Who knows what the future holds and whether I will change my mind. Will I suddenly be overcome by broodiness and do a U-turn? I suppose it is possible.

Having never wanted children, one morning two August's ago I woke up and felt completely different. Almost overnight. A woman's body and hormones are a powerful thing. I'll just have to wait and see.