One day I'll fly away

Today was mostly about Gemma getting her results.

She's passed her btec art and design course and is thinking about her future.
Her plans have changed a lot and we're not totally sure what's she's planning and what she's thinking or how much she's prepared to share with us right now.

I remember the age well, and I think - being her mother - I probably have more of an idea about how she feels than she knows or would care to accept. You can't deny that genes play a part in the way we develop and stages at which hormones dominate us. At 18 I felt I would only be furthering my education for my parents' sakes. I felt an urge to get away from them (for no specific reason) and find out who I was and make decisions and just exist without answering to anyone.

I've tried to find solutions, lead Gemma into things, and I think I know certain things about her really rather well. But I feel we're in the middle of "The Long Let Go" It's about knowing when to shut up, when to be there, when to be a friend, when to be a parent, when to pay attention, when to give space. It's about only asking the right questions at the right time. It's about wanting them to be here, letting them know they can be here but also leaving the door open so they can go.

I can honestly say I've been on the verge of tears all day. I want her to get her life right. But there is no right, there is no wrong. There is just plenty of ups and downs.
We want there to be more ups and we want to be able to stop the downs. We don't know when to step in and and when to stand back anymore. We suddenly find ourselves parents of an adult; a young adult who is not going to be the same adult in 10 years time. We want to support her and we don't want to alienate her by being too much of one thing or not enough of another.

After I'd messed around with what I thought would be the right words, I couldn't think what to do. So I asked Gemma if I could help her tidy her room. It really is extraordinarily bad. (No - worse than you'd think.) I took away lots of washing up, rubbish and 6 loads of washing. But she didn't join in and I felt wrong, so I did the washing and left it at that.

The skin on my face is a total mess. I'm feeling a bit shit now.

By the time I'd remembered blipfoto-ing it was getting dark and starting to rain. So I went outside and took some photos of this rusty dragonfly that I use as a bird-putter-offerer above the strawberry plants.


Nobody told me there'd be days like these.