Hoping

A day spent reading in the heat of the day! It says we are going to get rain and thunderstorms tomorrow. I fervently hope so as  I decided not to go up to the allotment and water in expectation of it! Instead I played around with the heads on my new solar fountain! It's lovely to hear the tinkling sound of water! 
I think due to the heat and my still restless nights, my IBS has really been a pain these last few days, and my mood has been a tad on the negative side. Interesting to see the same old thoughts surfacing about things I thought I had laid to rest. I'm not sure if they are still grievances I hold or just ghostly remnants. I'm thinking I might dig out the retirement book I bought 4 years ago which I never read! It's about the emotional impact of retirement and how to deal with it. With everything that happened with Friend as soon as I retired and the time since I never read it. I'm now wondering if it is the time to do so. Maybe my self induced solitude this last year and my continued IBS problem and this infernal heat are  the causes of my sense of unsettledness. I know I should be revelling in my good  fortune of being retired, but somehow I still have that disquiet about my days. Partly a feeling of I should be doing more, giving back in some manner, being of some worth. I tell myself I gave plenty in my job and am deserving of this time of leisure, but somehow it doesn't really stick. I think of doing some voluntary work somewhere, and then acknowledge that I don't physically or mentally have the ability to commit myself to such a thing. Maybe that is the problem - I feel trapped in my current condition/ position, it's a catch 22 - what would make me feel better I'm completely unable to do. I think it's also partly that old thought of what is life all about - which of course is unanswerable!  I guess it is what we make it. At present I feel like I am surviving it not living it. So I will dig out that book and see if some of these feelings are in part a delayed reaction to my act of retirement, or maybe I'm just hot, bothered and tired!