Almost a week

You know what part of my problem is?
I fret and stew on things that I cannot change and that probably wouldn't make any difference even if I could.

Last Monday evening I left the hospital around 8.30 pm. I had spent most of the day with my Nana, holding her hand, trying to calm her when she was distressed and doing what each of us had done in the days and weeks leading up to her death. I chose not to go in to see her before I left, because she had settled a bit and was sleeping. I did not want to disturb her in order to say 'goodbye' because I thought I was going to be able to say ' Hi Nana' the next morning.

When I left, I decided that I would go home and get a few hours sleep, but then get up and go back to the hospital - in my head I had picked sometime between 3 and 4am - with the intention of this allowing my mum to have a couple of hours rest as I knew she wasn't going to otherwise.

I didn't wake up until the phonecall at 5.45am.

I have stewed on this for nearly a week. I have largely shut myself off, from people, from the world in general. I know that know that neither thing can be changed. I am not sure that if I had done either of those two things, anything would have been different. I am trying hard not to wallow in how I am feeling, but I never said goodbye. I didn't get there in time. It weighs heavy on my heart. I want this to pass but I feel an inherent sense of guilt for wanting it to go away.

Grief is a paradox and I hate paradoxes.